Shepherd Photography

"I am here to give you back your heart and set you free!"

2012-02-09T22:43:00.000-06:00

I had learned to ignore my heart, hide my heart. I had been drilled into the ground because of the times I listened to my heart or even just wanted to. My heart has been so abused and beaten down that I have had the hardest time hearing it. embracing it, letting it repair and learn to beat strong the way God made MY heart to beat.

It started was I was very young, those feeling I was never good enough. I wasn't like the other "godly good girls". Being meek, lady-like, calm, laid-back, quiet, controlled, a follower, compliant; that was far from me. I dared to think there was more to life than the things us girls were being taught was the best for us. I felt like I was everything BUT what the "perfect girl" was and looked like in who our home-school/ATI realm was. I was loud, crazy, curious and excited about life, thinking it could be a beautiful thing, outgoing, loved being with all people. I was a questioner and was never crazy about following without knowing why and seeing truth to back up that why. I wanted to learn, to know, to grow. My REAL dreams of my heart VERY few if any knew about them. They went against the "get married, have as many kids as you can, be a stay at home wife and mom that home schools" mold. Every girl my parents talked well of and encouraged me to be around....well that seemed to be her deepest passionate desire as soon as she graduated high school. Stay at home "waiting on the Lord, serving her family and trusting God with the future".

Through my teen years all the good, all the rules, all the legalism; well I embraced it and ran with it. I said all the "right things", did all the "right things" working as hard as I could to gain my parents respect, my Dad's approval. They followed "this man" and his teachings so I was going to go as far as I could with them because that HAD to be the way. A clearly seen path in front of me was what I was being told to take and follow.

My insides hurt thinking back on the empty, exhaustion I felt inside all the time. Everything looked so great on the outside and inside I hid the aching, hurting, confused, pain that barb-wired around my heart tighter and tighter. It seemed almost everything I did my heart told me this is NOT right! And when I did follow my heart, it always got me into "trouble". I was labeled being a "rebellious kid" with a heart that needed to be "watched". Things that "broke out" of that rule book had men coming to talk to my Dad about him "loosing his daughter". It had me getting e-mails from people to "re-examine my heart".

I look back on my life and ask myself where WAS God in all of this?!!! I can remember a few key times I could clearly see his hand working and those times I can see now were all in favor of who He MADE me to be not who others wanted me to be or what they wanted me to do. God was mearly an afterthought of the fear of man. The rules and standards. He was used as religious talk and used to manipulate and control. He was not TRULY trusted. No, that would be stepping off a clearly set path of rules, principles, and steps to follow in order "to get certain results". That would have meant abondoning all CONTROL and fear of others for HIM and HIM alone. Far too terrifying! Trusting GOD, well, you can not see what is ahead and what will happen. You can not predict anything. But the path we were on....well now that path you could predict. If you did the "right things" you could see what results you were then SUPPOSED to get. Works. Not Faith.

Over the last 4 years of our marriage God has been opening up my heart, throwing out lies slowly, one by one, tearing down walls, replacing the legalism and religion with Himself. Opening my heart up to LOVE not fear. January 11th will be a day I NEVER forget. I saw a Breath of the proof of His work in my life for all that time. I caught a glimpse of the REAL me starting to come back again.

All those times I can think about as a little girl when who I really am was hurt, was shut down, was scorned and made to feel not-good-enough. I know that after so much of that I really did make a choice to be someone else for others and yes it did give temporary joy most of the time. But it was such a fleeting joy and I would strive harder, get more burned out, ache even more inside.

This last month has felt like the way life is SUPPOSED to be. I have never felt joy in the midst of my pain. Happiness even when my heart was breaking into billions of pieces. I have never felt peace when someone I thought that loved me slapped me across the face with their words. I've never felt so much love for those around me and I've never let others love towards me really soak into my heart. I've never felt so FREE! To KNOW the crazy depth of God's love for me that brings tears to your eyes because you don't understand it. I've never known that crazy love. I KNOW what life is supposed to be like. God is taking precedent in my life OVER others for the first time. I don't care about reputations and being two faced around people. I want LIFE and I want life to it's fullest for the time God gives me to be on this earth. It's not just words anymore!

What I thought life was, the lies of my past, the abuse that strangled me: It does not and will not define me. I will fight for truth and fight to stay trusting God. Because I can finally see, HE is the only one I can lean on. No one else will or even can even come close to loving me and caring about me than the one who made me. There is no such thing as unconditional love except IN God. The ones who are here to protect you and love you, will hurt you and sometimes, they will hurt you the most. But that does NOT show me anymore what God thinks of me. His love and feelings can not be compared with human love and feelings. I KNOW all He wants for me right now is to find my heart again and to let Him hold it in HIS hands like I have never let Him do before.

Excerpts below taken from writings by John Eldridge

Twisted Theology

"It is simply diabolical, despicable, downright evil that the heart should be so misunderstood, maligned, feared, and dismissed. But there is our clue again. The war we are in would explain so great a loss. This is the last thing the Enemy wants you to know. His plan from the beginning was to assault the heart, just as the Wicked Witch did to the Tin Woodman. Make them so busy, they ignore the heart. Wound them so deeply, they don't want a heart. Twist their theology, so they despise the heart. Take away their courage. Destroy their creativity. Make intimacy with God impossible for them. Of course your heart would be the object of a great and fierce battle. It is your most precious possession. Without your heart you cannot have God. Without your heart you cannot have love. Without your heart you cannot have faith. Without your heart you cannot find the work you were meant to do. In other words, without your heart you cannot have life."

An Unholy Alliance

"Over the years we've come to see that the only thing more tragic than the things that have happened to us is what we have done with them. Words were said; painful words. Things were done; awful things. And it shaped us. Something inside of us shifted. We embraced the messages of our wounds. We accepted a view of ourselves. And from that we chose a way of relating to our world. We made a vow never to be in that place again. We adopted strategies to protect ourselves from being hurt again. A woman that is living out of a broken, wounded heart is a woman who is living a self-protective life. She may not be aware of it but it is true. It's our way of trying to "save ourselves." And, we also developed ways of trying to get something of the love our hearts cried out for. The ache is there. Our desperate need for love and affirmation, our thirst for some taste of romance and adventure and something to be wanted for is there. So we turned to boys or to food or to romance novels, we lost ourselves in our work or at church or in some sort of service. All this adds up to the woman we are today. Much of what we call our "personalities" is actually the mosaic of our choices for self-protection plus our plan to get something of the love we were created for. The problem is, our plan has nothing to do with God. The wounds we received and the messages they brought form a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as women. From Eve we received a deep mistrust in the heart of God towards us. Clearly, he's holding out on us. We'll just have to arrange for the life we want. We will control our world. But there is also an ache deep within, an ache for intimacy and for life. We'll have to find a way to fill it."

A Loss of Heart

"It was to the most religious people of his time that Jesus spoke his strongest warnings about a loss of heart. It is tragic for any person to lose touch with the life of their heart but especially so for those of us who once heard the call in our heart and recognized it as the voice of Jesus of Nazareth. We may remember him inviting us to a life of beauty, intimacy, and adventure that we thought was lost. For others of us, when he called, it felt for the first time in our lives as if our heart had finally found a home. We responded in faith, in hope, and in love and began the journey we call the Christian life. Each day seemed a new adventure as we rediscovered the world with God by our side. But for many of us, the waves of first love ebbed away in the whirlwind of Christian service and activity, and we began to lose the Romance. Our faith began to feel more like a series of problems that needed to be solved or principles that had to be mastered before we could finally enter into the abundant life promised us by Christ. We moved our spiritual life into the outer world of activity, and internally we drifted. We sensed that something was wrong, and we perhaps tried to fix it-by tinkering with our outer life. We tried the latest spiritual fad, or a new church, or simply redoubled our commitment to make faith work. Still, we found ourselves weary, jaded, or simply bored. Others of us immersed ourselves in busyness without really asking where all the activity was headed. At one point in my own spiritual pilgrimage, I stopped to ask myself this question: "What is it that I am supposed to be doing to live the spiritual life in any way that is both truthful and passionately alive?

The Heart is Central

"The heart is central. That I would even need to remind you of this only shows how far we have fallen from the life we were meant to live-or how powerful the spell has been. The subject of the heart is addressed in the Bible more than any other topic-more than "works" or "serve," more than "believe" or "obey," more than money and even more than worship. Maybe God knows something we've forgotten. But of course-all those other things are matters of the heart. Consider but a few passages:

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. (Deut. 6:5) [Jesus called this the greatest of all the command-ments-and notice that the heart comes first.]

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. (1 Sam. 16:7)

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Luke 12:34)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. (Prov. 3:5)

Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You. (Ps. 119:11 NASB)

These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. (Matt 15:8)

For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. (2 Chron. 16:9)"

To Bind Up The Brokenhearted

Christ did not die for an idea. He died for a person, and that person is you. But there again, we have been led astray. Ask any number of people why Christ came, and you'll receive any number of answers, but rarely the real one. "He came to bring world peace." "He came to teach us the way of love." "He came to die so that we might go to heaven." "He came to bring economic justice." On and on it goes, much of it based in a partial truth. But wouldn't it be better to let him speak for himself ? Jesus steps into the scene. He reaches back to a four-hundred-year-old prophecy to tell us why he's come. He quotes from Isaiah 61:1, which goes like this: The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.

The meaning of this quotation has been clouded by years of religious language and ceremonial draping. What is he saying? It has something to do with good news, with healing hearts, with setting someone free. Christ could have chosen any one of a thousand other passages to explain his life purpose. But he did not. He chose this one; this is the heart of his mission. Everything else he says and does finds its place under this banner:

"I am here to give you back your heart and set you free."

That is why the glory of God is man fully alive: it's what he said he came to do. But of course. The opposite can't be true. "The glory of God is man barely making it, a person hardly alive." How can it bring God glory for his very image, his own children, to remain so badly marred, broken, captive?

The Point of All Living

"I love watching a herd of horses grazing in an open pasture, or running free across the wide, sage-covered plateaus in Montana. I love hiking in the high country when the wildflowers are blooming-the purple lupine and the Indian paintbrush when it's turning magenta. I love thunder clouds, massive ones. My family loves to sit outside on summer nights and watch the lightning, hear the thunder as a storm rolls in across Colorado. I love water, too-the ocean, streams, lakes, rivers, waterfalls, rain. I love jumping off high rocks into lakes with my boys. I love old barns, windmills, the West. I love vineyards. I love it when Stasi is loving something, love watching her delight. I love my boys. I love God. Everything you love is what makes a life worth living.
Take a moment, set down the book, and make a list of all the things you love. Don't edit yourself; don't worry about prioritizing or anything of that sort. Simply think of all the things you love. Whether it's the people in your life or the things that bring you joy or the places that are dear to you or your God, you could not love them if you did not have a heart. Loving requires a heart alive and awake and free. A life filled with loving is a life most like the one that God lives, which is life as it was meant to be (Eph. 5:1-2).
Of all the things that are required of us in this life, which is the most important? What is the real point of our existence? Jesus was confronted with the question point-blank one day, and he boiled it all down to two things: loving God and loving others. Do this, he said, and you will find the purpose of your life. Everything else will fall into place. Somewhere down inside we know it's true; we know love is the point. We know if we could truly love, and be loved, and never lose love, we would finally be happy. And is it even possible to love without your heart!?!"

A Chic @ the Hardware Store :D

2012-02-08T19:37:00.001-06:00

I know it's probably crazy, and not tons of people know this about me, but I am a sucker for "hardware" stores! I could spend hours and literally a fortune in Lowes! The cooler the tools the easier the projects! :D AND OH! the endless possibilities one can come up with of things you can create from literally everything! You can walk down the isles and inspiration jumps off the shelves at you. :D It makes my heart happy! It's ME! *laugh*

I've been wanting to do one of these magnetic makeup boards for a month or so now. I've had all the materials already except for the sheet metal but I was waiting for the right day to "feel" the project. Last Sunday afternoon was the day! :) I pulled out my scrap wood and the frame I had been saving and went to planning!

The frame I had was 2 ft x 3 so I took apart the sides and cut it down to be 2 ft x 2 ft, rebuilt it and gave it a good sand down. I also took my scrap wood and cut and assembled a "tray" that I attached to the bottom of the frame. After a couple good coats of paint I took my sheet metal I bought pre-cut from Ace and inserted it in the frame like you would glass, put a backing on it and added some hanging hardware to the back of the frame.

AND.....a beautiful hanging, storage and accessibility smart piece was ready to be hung in our bathroom! I was looking at prices for these and on Etsy they are being sold for 50-100 bucks and I was hating on the style options I saw on top of that. lol I just CAN NOT spend so much on something that can easily be made by yourself and you can have a blast doing at that!
This project cost me less than $12.00 to make!!!
I'M IN LOOOOOVE!

SO with this project complete I'm all PUMPED up to start the next one on my list! Can't WAIT!!!!!

A Celebration Like No Other

2012-02-04T23:40:00.000-06:00

Planning, celebrating, making days of the year special and F-U-N is WHAT "I" do! :) I L-O-V-E it! Creating, decorating, the secrets and surprises, the excitement, the memories that are made... I thrive off making 'events' perfectly special for others!

However, I didn't realize just how much it meant to me to have others do that for me! I've never had a surprise party, a crazy, secret scootapatootie celebration :) and WELL...I have just NEVER had a birthday like this one! :) It was a giggly, overcome with happiness, love, thankfulness, laughter filled, teared filled, exhausted at the end of it, 24 hours!

This birthday was the first time I felt like I wanted to celebrate myself! And that I don't feel selfish in saying that! :) This year I felt thankful to have been born, thankful God made me, thankful I am perfect in His image and He is showing me that these last few weeks! The first birthday I didn't feel overcome with worthlessness and wanderings. This birthday I actually UNDERSTAND what a birthday is supposed to be! A celebration of someone God molded and crafted every inch of just how he wanted that someone to be and someone HE WANTED to be here on this earth for a reason! No matter what people do to you, how they have made you feel by their actions or words towards you, no matter who they are too you, they are NOT your Father, Your CREATOR, and your Father thinks you are PERFECT! A celebration of YOUR LIFE! And YES, I'm finally starting to feel like I WANT to actually celebrate my life!

With all these thoughts in mind, I think that is one reason why my dear friend's and hubby's love and special surprises meant SO extremely much to me! Enough to get me choked up and teary eyed with a flood of giant emotions. :) It's a new feeling for me to feel worth, to feel wanted, to feel life!

I felt very blessed and VERY loved this birthday by those who are so strongly supporting me and strong for me during this time. I do NOT know what I would do without you guys! God is doing so much through you to me and I hope you realize that! :D

Maxi dress from Posh, bracelets from Charlotte Russe, earrings from Sam Moon, shoes purchased on Ebay

Tuesday afternoon Sam calls me double checking to make sure we didn't have anything planned that night. Then he tells me he wants to take me out and what he wanted me to wear (outfit above) :D. Then every hour he would call with another "bit of info." like "now pick out what you want to wear tomorrow", "you need to pack an overnight bag", "I have a babysitter coming and you don't need to pack anything for the boys" etc.

I was a giggly mess the rest of the day with the flip floppy stomach bug! :) All I could put together was he was taking me somewhere for the night! :) He had never done anything like this in our entire 6 years together and it was turning my insides to mush! :D

Needless to say he swooped me off my feet and I feel madly in love AGAIN for the I-don't-know-how-manyth-time and we had a wonderful time together. I love that feeling we've had the last month like we are dating and all giddy over each other. :D lol I get so excited to see the health God is shooting into out marriage!

Over the course of the next 24 hours it was one wonderful thing after the other.
- Dinner at the Melting Pot in Bricktown (HEAVEN!) with surprise flowers waiting for me at our table when we were seated.

- A night at a nice hotel

- Birthday surprises on the room window and table when I woke up.

- A Jamba Juice breakfast *said in a sign-song voice* :)
- A blast of a time at Gattis Town with the boys
- A hour and half pedicure! :O (I KNOW right!!!)
- I think God gave me the Happy Birthday sign at the random Conoco. I mean WHAT are the chances of that! :D

- Birthday cupcake at Pinkitzel

AND THEN
- Surprise decorations on the outside of my house when we got home and then when we went inside
- Surprise decorations on the INSIDE too with a dear friend waiting to hug me and wish me wishes and hug me again! :D The boys had even made me a birthday sign (with babysitters help) and hung it up for me! :D

God knew what he was doing by giving me such a HUGE fuel up because the day after my birthday took all that fuel away again. Ups and then Downs. That is how this journey goes. That is how the lies come out and healing is brought. The sorrow, pain and extreme hurt WITH the joys, smiles and happiness.

Because yet still in those two days after my birthday when I was thinking I was already at the lowest of lows again after all that 'happiness' God still was RIGHT there and Friday night two of my perfect, dear, besties :) took me out for my 'final birthday celebration' with dinner and fun and those little joyous times that distract and the hugs and love start filling you up again to endure the next stretch of hard journey that will come.

A Harley Ballerina

2012-01-30T22:15:00.000-06:00

A woman is strong because of what she has gone through in her life. Her beautifulness comes from within and spills out. She faces life with a vengeance to dream, to dare for adventure, to fight, and yet at the same time to love and be loved, to be beautiful, to be feminine and captivating.
Part of her should be a badass Harley Chic while the other part of her is a ballerina! :)

That's the beautiful T! :D All those many sides to her make her a blast to be around, and I could not have thought of a better way to have spent 5 hours of my Saturday last weekend than hanging out with this girl, taking pictures, FREEZING out butts off together :), chatting over lunch and kicking some butt riding 'round in her hot new lil' sport car! :) Thanks for a great time, girl and hope to have more of 'em with ya!

Saturday Style & Style Wishes

2012-01-28T19:23:00.001-06:00

I had fun sporting a little flare of nautical, vintagey, style for our fun, relaxing, Saturday 'family day' together! Today could not have been a better day just us 4 hanging out together. The kind of days I am really learning to enjoy lately these days. Today was a day free of the pain and depression that I am used to facing every day and was bubbling with sheer joy, happiness and gratefulness that I have not gotten to really experience much of in the years past. It was REAL not fake, forced, or masked on!
A BEAUTIFUL day. A day to be bubbly and squeally, silly and 'goofsalot'. :) A day to slide backwards down the slide at the playground with your boys. A snuggle during nap-time kinda day. A "God has me in His hands, I am free, I can be" kinda day!

Black denim straight jeans, striped top, pearl studded ring from Forever21
Red Belt from Goodwill
Red tank and fashion glasses from Fashion Metro

I'm drooling love over this hot maxi! It is on my "next to buy", "save my dollars in my can" dress. At the T-O-P of the wish list. #1! :) I just have to try and wait patiently until it comes back into stock! *sigh*

Bright Pink Maxi: TopShop
Tumi Voyageur - Orange Wristlet/Clutch: Zappos
Gold Cuff - Forever21
AND the AMAZING leopard print wedge platforms I own and I wear WAY too much I purchased off my muchly beloved ShoeDazzle account! If you haven't heard of ShoeDazzle it's amazing and you can join for free!
Here's an invite for those who care to check out the awesomeness! :) ShoeDazzle Invite

As the Walls Come Down

2012-01-27T22:09:00.004-06:00

I have been feeling like I am carrying around something that was/is so heavy and burdensome on me that I couldn't even breath at times without my heart physically hurting. Like you are bringing down everyone else's life no matter how hard you fight not to. Everything is of course, you're fault, and the truth gets overtaken by the lies and it's as if you have no power or control over that.
This is what my life has consisted of and what I have dealt with nearly every moment of my life for the past 4+ years. And then, finally, the truth came out, and that burden dissipated from my life almost instantly! I can feel the start of what I know is how life is supposed to be as Christian. The truth has begun to set me free. Free from the worthlessness, the depression, the pain. It's not easy. I know that this road is a long one and that learning to live and walk with God and nothing else matters is not an easy road. Tearing down walls, digging up pain, is not fun but it is something a person has to do if they want to LIVE! And believe me I hit the bottom and I WANT TO LIVE!

When you finally realize that everything you have been struggling with in life and have been burdened you've come to carry is all because of this one thing you start feeling like you have lived under a dark curse for years. You feel like you have lived your life in a lie. Like years have been wasted. It it hard right now to see the good, to see God there, to believe I will be stronger from this. Knowing and believing are two very different things. The struggle with memories and emotions led me to become a pro at numbing and stuff-stuff-stuffing until I hit bottom. I knew how to put on that mask that everything was fine around others. That fact act Christians have of "I'm a Christian so everything is fine"! It took me years to come to terms with what happened and understand it ENOUGH to come forward and seek help and healing. Even though I married the amazing man I did, and I see that as God's love and mercy towards me, it took me years to even trust him enough to talk about it. So all this time I've suppressed it and lived with all these problems that I didn't even associate with what happened. My life was daily getting more depressing and miserable.

Seems I have lived all my life doing a really good job of wearing a mask that others will see everything as "all good" on the outside. We hide the pain and crap that is raging inside. Pictures can be deceiving. "Joy" that makes everyone see you as such a giving, Christlike, serving person and family. That is how we always lived. Don't go behind the closed doors. And everyone around us did the same thing. Plastic people in our plastic world. Breaking apart inside. Feelings of no matter what you did you were not enough and more was expected of you. Stop asking questions, that meas you are questioning your authorities so you are rebellious. Don't push boundaries or standards. Believe what you are "supposed" to believe and nothing else. There was more to being a Christian than asking God into your heart and having a relationship with him. The realtioship part actually was put on the back burning like it was with everyone else. Love, trust, respect, not so much in the picture. Fear, control, and "duty" very much so.

I told my counselor this week there is so much to sort through right now inside I don't even know where to start. And I'm QUICKLY learned I don't start anywhere, God does! I feel like we're not even slightly scratching the surface and the pain is so deep even here that honestly it overwhelms me to think of all the things God has yet to dig up inside me. All the walls he STILL has to tear down that were behind this one big UGLY wall I had keep in secret. I just have to focus on one day at a time, what is God teaching me and wanting me to learn today. He will do it. I just have to come with a willing and open heart. Willing to be vulnerable and willing to let him heal me as painful as that may at the beginning it is worth the beauty in the end.

But you know what, I do NOT want to live a mediocre life. I do NOT want to live with the burden of something on me that is NOT to be my burden. I don't want to live my whole life in anger, and misery and fighting to be strong every second of every day and put on the mask pretending all is fine! I don't want to be luke warm all my life! I want to keep climbing up that ladder. I want to be learning from everything until the day I die. I have no intentions of camping out and hiding. How can God use me in life, in my kids lives, in my husbands life, if I haven't first let him take over my life, including the nasty ugly painful crap.

Amongst the still moment by moment pain I face from this I am still excited and OH the weight that has come off my shoulders I can't stop believing in. There is still fear and terror there for what will happen in the future but at the same time it is UNDENIABLE God's timing and how He has lined everything up perfectly to set me free of this ugly horrible lie that has had me bondage. That has held me in the grasp of feeling utterly worthless, unworthy, ugly, imperfect. I say I am done with it and I am on the road to healing. I'm on the road to love. God's LOVE for ME.

‎"But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. My grace is enough; it's all you need.
So for the sake of Christ I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, limitations that cut me down to size—abuse...opposition...distresses; for when I am weak [in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength). And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become!"

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Something Heavenly*

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

Our Last Week+ in iphone Pics :)

1. We made a pinterest dessert for our sweet, Ecuadorean, Sunday afternoon guests.

2. My favorite post-it from Sam this week "You are worth fighting for...."

3. 3a. 3b. Me and the boys did some hanging out one afternoon in our Daddy and Mommy's bedroom

looking at airplane magazines and eating goldfish :) Little, simple, sweet, happy memories made.

4. This is how Caiden waits on supper... :)

5. Toddler Rock Band fest *free admission on Friday nights :D

6. A wonderful gift basket, left on my porch from some dear anonymous ATISS facebook friends who have

been so encouraging and uplifting during this time in our group. <3 It made me bawl happy tears.

7. Sam got his craft on with me (more watched and encouraged me to do something fun I think) and I

started my canvas projects I've been wanting to do for the house.

8. 9. 10. 11. 12. We put together the boys rocket ship they got from their birthday and handed over their art

kit that came with it. A HUGE hit. It's all the played with that entire day they were awake. :)

13. They like to hid behind the door or the couch when they hear Daddy's truck drive in from work. Squeals

and running feet followed by not-so-quite declarations to "shuuuuuuush!!!!!" and wanting mommy to join

them. :)

14. There is NOTHING that beats fresh squeezed orange juice every morning. It's become an addiction for

me every morning now I'm afraid!

15. Saturday morning snuggle times with Mommy and Daddy! :D

I WILL WIN this battle!

2012-01-21T23:24:00.002-06:00

"Running away from any problem only increases the distance from the solution..."

This last week and a half has got to have been THE toughest and most emotionally exhausting than any others I can think of in our marriage. If you want to talk about finally running dry, throwing up your hands, declaring you can't be strong anymore, you're done living in control and fear, then right now I fit perfectly into that category. God has torn down a wall inside me I never thought would come down. I thought that the fear, control, pain, hurt, anger, hatred and so much more that was holding up this wall would never be torn apart. I thought this terrible thing that happened to me that I carried around in secret would be impossible to bring up. I was wrong. I wasn't sure exactly what caused it to finally come crashing to the ground but after finding our from some dear friends and some family members that they had been praying for me for the last couple of months sensing their was so much more wrong that what I was saying, I'm realizing how God lines everything up perfectly and has a timing for everything. Even for the most painful CRAP we try to forget and numb away.

Being taught to stuff, to run away, to put on a mask and make myself pretend I'm fine day after day has made me feel like I have to start at the beginning of everything I thought was truth. Everything I believed. Being taught that my happiness didnn't matter and twas even selfish to think about such things as taking care of myself. Having been told how dare I cry and think my life was so tough or my problems were hard when there was a world full of people who had it SO much worse that I. How dare I hang things over others heads, over my parents heads. Get over it and more on. Let the past go. On and on and on. Never dealing with anything. Couping. Numbing. Putting on that mask.Keeping a perfect "godly appearance" we were "supposed to have" or expected to have. Being happy plastic people. Because somehow Christians are supposed to have no problems and that goodie-two-shoe mentality takes over. PRIDE rules you. If everyone sees you as so together than you somehow are. Keep it all hidden. Put on that smile. How dare you "complain".

It's like walking around with chains wrapped around your body. I had no idea this "secret" that happened to me was so effecting my life. EVERYTHING in my life. My body physically, my emotions, my outlook on life, how I not only viewed myself but everyone else around me and ESPECIALLY how it effected my relationship with God and me as a wife and a mom. Anger, impatience, mood swings, depression, lack of energy and motivation, no self esteem. Even things like uncontrollable acne, back trouble that has caused endless chiropractic visits, EXTREMELY painful menstrual, headaches, nightmares and crazy panic attacks that would take over at certain times or circumstances are all being tired back to this issue. AND oh my gosh I could NOT believe that after this burden came off MY shoulders how drastically my life seem to immediately change that very day. In less than 10 days, I feel like I'm being reborn inside or something. It's like a rediscover of yourself and who you are and who you were meant to be. I feel like Sam and I are back at the beginning and are dating as boyfriend and girlfriend. I have begun to realize that how can I truly love my husband and my kids if I don't truly love myself. That never sunk in and hit me before. I want so BADLY to make them feel like a King and like Princes but how can I if I don't see myself as Queen or Princess! How can I love them like God loves me if I don't believe or understand the love He has for me. Because I compare is love with the love of earthly beings. And my heart wants nothing to do with that so called "love".

It makes me so angry this person I have let hold me in bondage. The hatred I have that I cannot even really explain. The pain, the grief, the shame I've carried around for the past 6 years has taken its toll on my life and how I didn't even realize it. I was JUST fine. I numbed away the pain, I tried to believe the lies I was told. I had no IDEA the wall that was in our marriage, that was between me and my boys, and even that was between our trusted close friends.

Lets just say even thought I have a HUGE, AMAZING support group online, a handful of trusted, wonderful friends close by, a couple family members knowing and praying for me/us and after my first counseling session this week, I am still terrified to the core of what is happening and my heart hurts with almost every breath I take. I know this journey I have just started is going to be long and painful and parts of it will never end. It's something a woman must live with and learn how to face the reality of the rest of her life. All I know is, through the daily tears I've been facing, dragging myself out of bed every day knowing life has to keep going, and just trying to focus on getting through the next hour of right now, that I can feel God's hands holding me up. Even as the tears roll down my face even as I am typing I can feel him whispering it's going to be okay and I am never going to let you go. The road is going to be hard but you are going to win this battle and you are going to be stronger and more beautiful from it if you trust me. It's not your fault, you are precious and beautiful to me and I will never stop thinking that of you. You are worthy. You are perfect. You ARE enough. You don't have to do anything to prove yourself to me. You don't have to earn my love or my respect. You can tell me your heart and your dreams and I will never shut you down. We can talk about anything and I will listen and never judge you, criticize you, or trample on your heart or your feelings. I am NOT like who you have known or know on this earth. I am NO fallen human being. I am your REAL father and my love and my care is like no other you have or ever will know. I am so much more than what you have been taught about me and ALL I want with you is a relationship. You are my love. My daughter. My princess; and I find you captivating in every way.

And I finally can say, my heart knows! I know and I actually am starting to believe it for the first time in my life.

"...This is where the healing begins. Where you come to where you're broken within the light meets the dark."

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

How can I go on pretending that there's nothing wrong.
Life has brought me to my knees.
This mask I hide behind is killing me there's nothing left.
Is there anyone who feels like me...

...could you get me out alive.
I'm trying to hold on but I've lost the will to fight.
Will you rescue me.
Take me far away.
From this shattered life.

"Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus"

2012-01-12T15:53:00.000-06:00

When when we, who call ourselves Christians, get this into our thick self-righteous, miserable heads. When will we really be like Jesus. Love like Jesus. Live like Jesus. Because living like Jesus will mean sacrifice, hurt, legalism and hatred from others. But when will be realize it is the ONLY way to L-I-V-E!

What if I told you Jesus came to abolish religion
What if I told you voting republican really wasn't his mission
What if I told you republican doesn't automatically mean Christian
And just because you call some people blind
Doesn't automatically give you vision

I mean if religion is so great, why has it started so many wars
Why does it build huge churches, but fails to feed the poor
Tells single moms God doesn't love them if they've ever had a divorce
But in the old testament God actually calls religious people whores

Religion might preach grace, but another thing they practice,
Tend to ridicule God's people, they did it to John The Baptist
They can't fix their problems, and so they just mask it
Not realizing religion is like spraying perfume on a casket

See the problem with religion, is it never gets to the core
It's just behavior modification, like a long list of chores
Like lets dress up the outside make look nice and neat
But it's funny that's what they use to do to mummies
While the corps rots underneath

Now I ain't judgin, I'm just saying quit putting on a fake look
Cause there's a problem
If people only know you're a Christian by your Facebook
I mean in every other aspect of life, you know that logic's unworthy
It's like saying you play for the Lakers just because you bought a jersey

You see this was me too, but no one seemed to be on to me
Acting like a church kid, while addicted to pornography
See on Sunday I'd go to church, but Saturday getting faded
Acting if I was simply created just to have sex and get wasted
See I spent my whole life building this facade of neatness
But now that I know Jesus, I boast in my weakness

Because if grace is [water], then the church should be an ocean
It's not a museum for good people, it's a hospital for the broken
Which means I don't have to hide my failure, I don't have to hide my sin
Because it doesn't depend on me it depends on him
See because when I was God's enemy and certainly not a fan
He looked down and said I want, that, man

Which is why Jesus hated religion, and for it he called them fools
Don't you see so much better than just following some rules
Now let me clarify, I love the church, I love the bible, and yes I believe in sin
But if Jesus came to your church would they actually let him in

See remember he was called a glutton, and a drunkard by religious men
But the son of God never supports self righteousness not now, not then
Now [back] to the point, one thing is vital to mention
How Jesus and religion are on opposite spectrum's
See one's the [work] of God, but one's a man made invention
See one is the cure, but the other's the infection

See because religion says do, Jesus says done

Religion says slave, Jesus says son

Religion puts you in bondage, while Jesus sets you [free]

Religion makes you blind, but Jesus makes you see

And that's why religion and Jesus are two different clans
Religion is man searching for God, Christianity is God searching for man
Which is why salvation is freely mine, and forgiveness is my own
Not based on my merits but Jesus's obedience alone

Because he took the crown of thorns, and the blood dripped down his face
He took what we all deserved, I guess that's why you call it grace
And while being murdered he yelled
"Father forgive them they know not what they do."
Because when he was dangling on that cross, he was thinking of you
And he absorbed all of your sin, and buried it in the tomb
Which is why I'm kneeling at the cross, saying come on there's room

So for religion, no I hate it, in fact I literally resent it
Because when Jesus said it is finished, I believe he meant it

"And to the one who does not work but believes in him who justifies the ungodly, his faith counts as righteousness." - Rom. 4:5

Making "our world" about "us"?

2012-01-10T20:19:00.004-06:00

I love Sam, Caiden, Conner's, and my world when it is about "us". When what we feel God leading us too is central and no one else is ruling. Our family's world should be about OUR family. Why do people say that is selfish? Making it special, wonderful and as full as life as one can on this earth brings me joy and life. Why should I ever feel ridiculed for that? Why should I ever care about the pressure from others and about what is expected of me and from me as not just a woman but as a wife and a mom. The stereotypes that are impossible to get away from no matter what age you are or what place you are in life.

My world SHOULD be about my husband, kids and myself! What GOD wants for us because HE is the Ruler. What path He is leading us down as we walk through this world together. I should care about my heart and what makes me thrive in life and about my passions and what drives me on so should my husband and my kids! We SHOULD care! Our heart cries and yet me SMASH it down and try to carry on in the life those things that are EXPECTED of us! Is that really living? Is that what God desires for us? Are we living a fulfilling and glorifying to God life if we are living the life we were "raised to live" or that is "put on us" as "THE way". How can I live the story God has for me if I am trying to live the story I am supposed to live; what is "safe" or "right" in whomever's eyes. What about what God has written and is writting for us as INDIVIDUALS? We are NOT to all live the same. How can we, when God made us all unique and different? Why do we think we all should live by a certain method, standard, theory, or "steps"? How can we live in such a way that is so far away from how God desires for us to live? How can we be a "witness", a light pointing to God, a glorify being to the one who created us, if we are living to please instead of living in faith?

What is the passion inside me that is driving me to feel the boredom and restlessness in my day to day? Why do I daily feel God pushing those dreams in my heart closer and closer towards the wall of fear I have up as if working on tearing it down while I keep trying to put up more bricks and mortar at the same time. The fear of man. The fear of expectations. What more does God have for me that I am too afraid to leap for?

My week last week in Iphone pics! :)

We got to celebrate our perfect, handsome little men's 3rd birthday this week and I had a BLAST trying my hand back out on making their birthday cakes! :D Thanks mom for showing us girls how to cake decorate growing up! It has been over around two years since I made the last "cake" and I enjoyed the 3 hour project "muchly"! I baked the "pieces" of the truck using a loaf pan, a mini loaf pan and a glass cup. Then assembled the pieces with a cardboard bottom for support and using small dall rods to keep the truck body from flattening the cake wheels underneath. Then colored my icing the desired colors and decorated to my hearts contentment! :D

My Superman and I had our weekly date night out and thoroughly enjoyed going to see the 4th Mission Impossible together and pizza at Mazzio's afterards. (Where we ALWAYS eat after we go to see a movie. lol) For some reason Mazzio's brings out something in us. We have yet to have a date there where we have NOT gotten "all deep" emotional. The waitresses are going to know us as the couple that comes to cry over pizza. Happens at no other restaurant! We joke about how when we need to talk we are going to start saying to each other, "Honey, it's time for us to go get a x-large kens pepperoni and jalapeno pizza." :D
He started the date off surprising me with my favorites as he opened the truck door for me. Bright flowers and milk choc. m&m's! Ah yes, he stole my heart ALL over again! :D

Other funs from last week?

I got to try out my new batter dispenser that was on of my Christmas wish list that my Mom got me! I LOVE this thing! I will be using it ALL the time from now on! I want to make "fun" pancakes with it next!

I tried a new hot pink lip stick from my giant new makeup stash I got with a Christmas gift card! I gotta figure out how I want to store it all! I have very limited space in our bathroom for more "makeup bags" and honestly digging through makeup bags sucks. I have seen so many ideas on Pinterest but none that really work for me that I am falling head over heels for yet. Any ideas are VERY welcome! I can't leave it all lined up on our dresser for much longer! lol I'm leaning towards this product here on the left. I'm LOVING the look and functionality of it!

3rd Birthday Truck Party!

2012-01-10T17:11:00.002-06:00

We had a weekend full of party fun, fun, fun and more fun! So much fun that starting the week was a little disheartening and sad for more than just the boys but mommy too! We couldn't just take down the decorations yesterday and toss them so we gathered up the dozens of balloons and tied them in their room for a few extras days! :D

Their Uncle Jared, cousin Ethan, and friend Sebastian come over the evening before their birthday to take a play trip to McDonald's and a fun movie night!

Bustin' outa their room birthday morning!

After breakfast we gave them their birthday tire swing and trampoline to play on until their party!

Refuel at the drink station, grab a couple spare tires (choc. donuts)...

...make ya mini truck sandwich, get in your veggies with a carrot cup and ranch dressing and finish off with a jiggler in an orange peel! :)

And the cakes...just go with it and pretend for my sake they look amazing! I was able to get up my nerves and try to decorate them myself and was able to come up with two small trucks. The boys ended up snacking on them yesterday for a mid morning snack since we had plenty of cupcakes to eat up! lol

Truck rides in Daddy's truck around the neighborhood was a hit at the party, for all the boys anyways, not so much for Caiden and Conner's Grammy and Grandmother. lol :D

So this week we have on our to-do list to make thank you cards for everyone who came and made their 3rd birthday so special for them! :) Monday morning they were going on and on about party and naming names asking where everyone went. When I reminded them their party was over and their friends and cousin had to go home Conner slumped and groaned, "Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" :D

Guess you could call it a party hangover! I told them we would have another party soon! So guess we could add that to our to-do planning list for this week too! :D Why not!

Playdate anyone? :D

No Guidebook

2012-01-04T20:00:00.001-06:00

They will by 3 in just 4 days!!!

All I want for my boys for them to be able to live a life full of adventure and joy. To be able to grow up wild at heart in this world of "nice guys". To have a relationship with God not a religion. To not be held back by judgement, legalism and pointing fingers. Being a mom is terrifying just like much of everything else in life. There is no book on what to do to get certain results. Those of misguided lies. No kid is the same. No mother is the same. No parent is the same. There is no formula to anything in life, let alone to raising kids. My kids were not giving to me to make me happy, please me, make me look good, live by my standards of what I think my kids should be or do. There is no Mom out there to follow and even the most godliest, I've got-it-together looking of woman are fare from perfect in their mothering. We live in a fallen world. There is no parenting Bible and I already know if I follow some man made guidebook I will fall even harder on my face. Who has a clue what they are doing? I mean really? I know I certainly don't!

These wonderful boys I have been given that look to me for love, for help, for direction. They are going to get hurt no matter what. I can not protect them from living and I shouldn't. Life is not about rules, regulations and pleasing. It is about trust, faith and a relationship with God. The path of trusting God leads opposite the path to pleasing God. Not to live on this earth doing whatever I can to try and make God happy and every other Christian around me happy. Not to live following any man that claims to have the steps, answers or solutions to life because they don't. Only God does and his answers and solutions are different for every one of us.

Being a mom is nothing you can prep for like a test. You can't prepare for anything such in life and GOD knows exactly when you are ready for what! You can't study and then one day be ready with all the answers. It's literally living and learning day to day with the one of a kind kids that you have been given! That is how we grow! Learning to notice and appriciate the huge difference in Caiden and Conner and their personalities and loving them for who they are and how they are made. Understanding why they respond and act the ways they do in different situations. Heavens, DARE NOT comparing them to each other or others! One of the highest of my "don't you dares" is that I would NEVER, EVER trample on their dreams and bright eyes! That I will not break their spirits and wills with my demands, anger or "rule". That I will not use religion and manipulation to tell my child, "no". How do parents ever expect respect and obedience from their kids when they treat them thus.

Which leads me to think of something else I have been mulling over all week. That word respect. It hit me like a ton of bricks this week the fact that I really haven't ever had a clue what that word means. I cried over that word a couple times this week or more than circumstances of my past that surround this word. I was never taught...shown...growing up what respect was. I was never treated with respect and I never saw a close example of respect to others. I gave complying. I gave fear. I gave broken will...but never respect. It was "given" when it was demanded to be given. "Children" were just expected to respect their parents. It's just demanded of them. That is JUST that. They should obey, no questions, just obey, honor and respect. No matter the age if you were under their roof don't dare speak of anything that would go against any standard they have laid out. How can I expect my kids to respect me if I raise them to fear me. To never ask questions. To never dare go against or even try and go against what we have set. To never know the whys and whats. Basically just teaching them you do this and this and this you make us happy and God happy and THAT is a relationship. How can my kids truly respect me if I have not won their hearts? If I do not listen, love, understand. How can my kids ever respect an lashful, demanding parent who never listen to their heart cries or tries to live life with them; grow with them; work through the pain and hurts of life with them? One who breaks their will and leaves them wondering things like, "why was I born?" "am I good enough?" "do I have what it takes?" "am I captivating?".

I want to earn my kids respect by the way I live my life daily. By how I discipline, love, guide; really honestly just care about them, their hearts and who THEY are individually. I just want my kids HEARTS and everything else follows!

Another New Years!

2012-01-01T03:43:00.022-06:00

We partied up and blasted in the the new year with a party at our house with our wonderful friends and a few air horns mixed in with some smoochin'! :D So excited to see what this new year holds and starting it up with a fire under my butt and a passion in my heart to see to it I allow it to be a much better year than last and excited to see what more epic things God has in store!

Some good things to chew as I think back on this last year and as a new year has begun.

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become and who God intends for us to be.

Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you!

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

Christmas Joy!

2011-12-30T00:02:00.001-06:00

Santa got a donut and milk this year instead of cookies! :D I think he liked it very much and his little elves LOVED their elf sizes donuts too! (a.k.a cheerios with chocolate and sprinkles in the bottom of a match box! lol) They said kids usually don't leave something yummy for them too! :)

Love my table decorations this year! :) I put tea light candles, paper snowflakes, mini ornaments and wire trees I made out of wire wrapped around foam cones to shape and then taken off and spray painted blue. Then everybody got a little wrapped present on their plate for a before dinner surprise! :)

Christmas breakfast! I made THESE baked donuts instead of cinnamon rolls like I always have before! YUMMY!

This was THE best Christmas ever! :D The boys were old enough to make things fun for them, we were in our own home this year, so many blessings, so much crazy fun...everything was just PERFECT! :D And Santa had WAY too much fun gifting me this year! lol I'm a lucky blessed gal...me with my two boys and my Superman!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2011-12-20T17:24:00.000-06:00

With lotsa love from us to you! :D
Hope that your Christmas is bright, cheery, happy, full of love and blessings!
Ours sure is!

7 Days and Counting Down!

2011-12-18T23:22:00.000-06:00

We had a little 1 week until Christmas party today! Kinda made a "big fun day" out of it and finished out the night with a movie and driving around town again finding more Christmas light covered houses with hot chocolate and the Tran-Siberian Orchestra blaring! Can't beat that! After we ate and we were playing and taking pictures around the tree the boys pointed and asked, "Presents?" :) They have been patient but all this excitement and celebration, and yesterday they opened presents at the Shepherd side Christmas, they are starting to get antsy about it! :D OH MAN, we are all 4 counting down to Christmas! This is by far the best Christmas we have had yet, our little family. :) So much newness and thankfulness and partiness and WAY too many secrets going on around here which NEVER happens, I am not used too AND ... I love it! This Mrs. Clause simply can't wait!
'Twas a good day... :)

More Christmas!

2011-12-11T17:28:00.001-06:00

This week I had fun making more Christmas decor for our bedroom. The magic of Pinterest again + a little extra creativity and ta da! Fun, fun fun! :D
I was going to make JOY but ended up with LOVE because Hobby Lobby did not have a Y and I was not driving back 40 min. just for some wood letters! :) So two rolls of twine, 4 letters, 3 foam cones and some foam balls, some fabrics, some old book pages and song pages, twigs, spray paint, mod podge, hot glue and a few hours and you have...sweet! :D

You can never have...

2011-12-06T00:06:00.000-06:00

...too many strands of Christmas lights! :D
We took the boys to Chickasha Festival of lights this last Saturday. They were mad when we had to leave! We were there over a hour and half and still when we got in the car to drive through the rest of it and then when it ended Caiden especially was SORELY "disappointed". lol I had no idea they would have so much fun bundled up running around in the lights with Daddy and petting the animals at the live nativity! You would think we took them to a store full of free toys! :D

20 More Days left to have a super blast with my 3 guys until Christmas morning arrives!!!! It's like a house of 4 kids over here at our house! :D WAY too much fun! :D

It's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you!

2011-12-02T18:57:00.000-06:00

4 Week Catch Up!

2011-12-02T14:06:00.001-06:00

Can hardly believe that it has been 4 weeks from today since the craziness of getting out of Marlow and back to Duncan again began. It seems like it's been only a week or two at the most! Ah....I LOVE being busy and hey can't beat it when you're having a blast being so either!

We are so blessed, we are. Looking back on the last month and a half, how the move started, how fast and unbelievably perfect God orchestrated everything I can't help but hold my breath and raise my eyebrows! :) We have so many amazing people that helped us from our AWESOME Realtor, to the relationship with the bank, to the 30+ people from Sam's work that brought their trailers and trucks to help us move!!! We couldn't have asked for a more perfect house! We LOVE it, and that is TOTALLY God! Looking for months and then at the PERFECT time He dropped what we had hopes of finding and no luck of finding in our laps! :) I need to post pictures I do! I'm dying too! :D It' just too exciting! :D

The house is a 40-50 year old home that has been remodeled on the inside. The only things we had/have to do to it are little things like paint color, and personal preferences like turning the living room/den area into an office by bringing in the wall and installing doors! :) There was some electrical work Sam did too like moving the kitchen light switch from behind the refrigerator (stupid place for it I know) to the opposite wall, etc. After we got moved in on that Saturday we had 3 days to power house while the boys were at my families house! We put in some long insane 18+ hour days those 3 days and that week was a little tough from it but so worth it! :D We got the entire khaki wall insanity painted to gray not to mention the 'MILLIONS' of other things! The big thing was getting things painted! My lil' sis ended up coming back with me when I went to pick up the boys and stayed the rest of the week to help me finish what we didn't get done without them which was a huge help.

We are loving living in OUR own home. It feels so different. Anyone that has rented for years and then finally bought will understand! :D I still sometimes wonder how it happened. I know most people don't think it any big deal, yeah congratulation, you bought a home. :P But to us...it IS a big deal. A HUGE deal and how God made it work and provided in unbelievable ways...I still scratch my head!

So this Thanksgiving I guess you could say we had a lot to be thankful for. A whole lot. And we very much enjoyed out first Thanksgiving in our home! We spent the 3 days after Thanksgiving day at home, working on projects, stacking our firewood for our fireplace (SQUEAL) :D, playing in the leaves, catching up on sleep :P...enjoying those we love the most just us together. Not boring to us! :) We could get used to this pretty darn fast in this little town. "US" becomes pretty much what you have to do all the time so one better get used to it pretty fast anyways! :D

PS THIS is the best dang CHILI you will EVER taste!!! NO JOKE! I will swear by this stuff until the day I die! :D And the apple caramel ice cream idea was the funnest, cutest thing I've done in awhile for dessert...AND they were YUMMY! How could they NOT be! :D

Kristin's Minnie Mouse 1st Birthday!

2011-11-20T19:36:00.000-06:00

Barbwired Heart

2011-10-31T11:23:00.002-05:00

"It isn't long before the ugliness tears your heart to shreds and everyone wonders what happened to you..."

Post written by Rachel on Recovering Grace

I was reading the “Living as God Designed” post on Recovering Grace and started crying (something I almost never do). Here’s the part where the dam burst: “Just as the deer glorifies God by being swift and agile, the elephant glorifies God by being strong and loyal, the flower glorifies God by being beautiful and sweet, and the sunrise glorifies God by being radiant, so we glorify God by being just what He made us to be, and doing those things that delight us. He doesn’t create anything that He doesn’t delight in. So we shouldn’t be afraid to pursue and become what we delight in. Live life fully alive. There is no one on the earth that can be precisely what you delight most to be. You cannot be replaced. You are unique of all God’s creations. Don’t waste any time on those who would tell you how you ought to please God, asking you to become something you are not. Simply delight in His delight in you. Pursue your joy. Pleasing God cannot be life-limiting, but life-releasing. He said so. (Ecclesiastes 9:10; John 10:9-11)”

I was told growing up that my purpose on this planet was to serve my dad, because someday I’d have to serve my husband. No matter what I thought, it was his way or the highway.

If this is true, then why did it make me so miserable? Why did my dad tell me I have a hard heart (and no one wants that)? Why have I always felt condemnation and inadequacy from him, no matter how hard I tried to “submit” to his authority? Why have I never been able to measure up, even after “serving” for over four years in the Institute in Basic Life Principles? Why can’t I trust him? If I was supposed to feel safe in this situation, why did I contemplate driving my car off a bridge on more than one occasion?

Imagine all your talents, dreams, hopes–whatever makes your heart soar–as delicate crystal figurines. You didn’t make them–they were gifts from someone very important. You display them proudly on a shelf in your home. People admire them. You smile and tell them about the person who gave them to you. You demonstrate what they do, and how much joy they bring you and those around you. The crystals glow with life and light.

Then one day, you’re told you can’t display them anymore. They aren’t practical or proper, but instead a distraction. You must shut them up in a plain box and shove them far into the attic. You’re devastated, but you obey. Confusion and hopelessness grow in your heart. The future, which had once looked so promising and bright is now a pile of ashes. A narrow, dark path is before you, with glowing eyes of disapproval glowering down from every angle. Instead of sallying forth with a song in your heart, you creep along one inch at a time, desperately hoping you don’t make a wrong move. Your walls are now bare and blank and gray. You can just make out the marks on the shelf where the figurines once sat, a mere shadow of the light that once sat there. You sit and stare at the empty space, your heart breaking. Then someone gives you an ugly thing made of barbwire and darkness and fear and tells you THIS is what you are made for, THIS will bring you holiness and happiness. You’re reluctant, but you put the thing on the shelf anyway. After all, they seem to know what they’re talking about. It isn’t long until the ugliness on your wall tears your heart to shreds, and everyone wonders what happened to you.

Time goes by. Then one day, you are struck with the thought that this isn’t right. You dig around in the attic, find the plain box, and carefully take it to the shelf. You pick up the ugly thing and toss it in the garbage. Then you take each figurine out of the box, dust it off, and put it back in its place. The shelf is scarred and dented from years of misuse, and you’re scared half to death you might do something wrong. But then the sun breaks through the gloom, catching the crystals and sending arcs of light bending across the walls. You stare, transfixed. A giant weight falls from your shoulders and for the first time in years, you can breathe.

I haven’t arrived. I haven’t figured it all out yet. I’m still scared to death of making mistakes, of making the “almost-but-not-quite-best” decision and failing somehow. But like someone very wise once said, “What have you got to lose?”

So, I’m taking the crystal figurines out of the box and setting them in the sunlight again. What are you doing to break out of the barbwire?

Helpers & Buddies!

2011-10-31T10:34:00.001-05:00

With us moving this week our Halloween festivities have been scare and few this year. I just decided not to focus on it as much as I normally would with the boys. We threw in making some goodies together and carving a mini pumpkin (pictures come soon! :D) and tonight we are going to "trick or treat" and party with friends but that will conclude that this little holiday! In the next couple weeks we will be decorating for Christmas in our NEW HOUSE though!!!!! WOOT!

I can't imagine one without the other!
I seriously don't know what they would do without each other!!!

4 Days...

2011-10-31T09:24:00.000-05:00

...and we will be the proud and COMPLETELY giddy excited little family of 4 holding the keys to our 1ST home purchase!!!

It's been a crazy month, of course, with all the ups and downs that come with buying a home. But the giant fluttering wings in my gut tells me it is going to be way past worth the nearly 4 year wait moving from rent home to rent home! This week is going to be a KILLER hard week for us...okay...for ME! I'm justready to go and it's going to drag! :) Packed, prepped, planned, and a dozen different lists written on paper and filed in my head waiting to explode! I'm going to TRY my hardest to stay busy this week and DRAW out the last few boxes of packing and TRY not to let my head and heart get ahead of the ticking clock! It's not the easiest thing for me. I'm one of those odd ones that lays awake at night planning until my brain blows up and sighing because I can't "get going" on anything yet! :D lol I JUST KNOW there are times I drive my poor hubs crazy. :P He can never keep up with my insane tornado energy of a personalty or my dramatic excitement! :D

So, boxes are stacked to the ceiling, bags are mostly packed for the boys 3 day trip to my family's house, the boys start their first day in Duncan MDO/preschool this week; all is in line and READY for a crazy Friday of closing and our Saturday morning move!!!!!

Rowell Family

2011-10-27T12:51:00.001-05:00

A few favorites from last weekend's family session with an awesome family! :D

Birthday Boy!

2011-10-20T12:09:00.000-05:00

It wasn't that long ago I was taking photos for his Daddy and Mommy's windy wedding day and now it's already Hayden's 1st birthday! I had a great hour and half with them and am glad that his grandparents came along to keep him even more super happy between bottle breaks and ice from Papa's cup. :) Love the pictures we got and here's a lil' sneak!

For the Bride-To-Be

2011-10-17T14:34:00.000-05:00

I was able to have the honor of photographing Hannah's bridal shower this last weekend in Paseo uptown Oklahoma City! It was a beautiful, intimate lil' event in a perfect romantic restaurant for it and I enjoyed being able to be "apart" of it! BESTEST of wishes to Matthew and Hannah as their wedding day fast approaches!

Sorensen Family

2011-10-14T14:24:00.000-05:00

A fun, goofy family you can't help but have with when you are around! *laugh* I had fun with you guys! Thanks for letting me take your photos again and this year we managed to do it soon enough before winter hit that we were able to avoid the -2 degree temperatures! :D

Diana

2011-10-12T15:48:00.000-05:00

My beautiful friend let me take over her makeup and wardrobe for an evening and did a fantastic time modeling while I snapped hundreds of photos with my over the top excitement, and probably my annoying self that night, over my new camera! :)

Eve's Lingering Fear

2011-10-12T15:35:00.000-05:00

"Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known - if it hasn't already been discovered - and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman's worst fear - abandonment. (Isn't it?). Rather than turning back to God, reversing the posture that brought about our crisis in the first place (what Eve set in motion and we have repeated ad nauseum), we continue down that path by doing what we can to secure ourselves in a dangerous and unpredictable world.

And down in the depths of our hearts, our Question remains. Unanswered. Or better, it remains answered in the way it was answered so badly in our youth. "Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see? Are you captivated by what you find in me?" We live haunted by that Question, yet unaware that it still needs an answer.

When we were young, we knew nothing about Eve and what she did and how it affected us all. We do not first bring our heart's Question to God and too often, before we can, we are given answers in a very painful way. We are wounded into believing certain things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak."

Excerpt from "Captivating" pg 58-59

Waters Family

2011-10-07T23:46:00.001-05:00

Nuestro pequeño equipo de Futbol Colombiano

...and the cutest lil' Colombian soccer family you could possibly find! :D I had a blast playing along with them on the soccer field. Ended up being a fun, hour session with all big happy faces! :D

Sutterfield 13

2011-10-04T15:23:00.000-05:00

It was a fun shoot with this family! :) Complete with all the signs of lots of siblings picking on each other and all the bro's just wanted to hurry up and get this darn thing over and done with! :D lol Needless to say it was a good time amongst it all! :P Thanks for letting me take your guys pics! :)

11. Trashin' to Fashion

2011-10-02T09:55:00.000-05:00

10 days of crazy!

2011-10-01T10:51:00.000-05:00

I can't remember the last time we had a week and a half this crazy. I'm thinking back. Our wedding week was easy breezy, the week we found out we were pregnant or even after we found out it was twins...all out moves since we have been married...it doesn't even come close in comparison to any of those in it's own way.

Monday going into Tuesday started the week off with me being sicker than a dead dog so Sam ended up working from home and keeping watch of the kiddos. Tuesday I drug myself into work and found out all in a matter of 60 seconds I was being "let go". No explanation at the time only to find out a couple days later I wasn't supposed to even get fired and that it was a "misunderstanding"! (looooong story) That really made us see God at work! He didn't want me there anymore! It was the string holding us back from something BETTER! Obviously! Wednesday we met with the Realtor and looked at some houses. Also Wednesday Sam was fighting with trying to keep from getting sick with the crud I had. Thursday we met with the bank. Friday we made an offer on a house. Saturday and Sunday we counter offered. Sunday we signed the contract and this week has been a roller coaster of constants and "what is happening" kinda excitement! Excitement that is not QUITE sinking in about what is going on. Things like this week we write out LAST rent check hopefully for good! We've been writing rent checks for nearly 4 years! We're finally buying our first home!

This next month is going to be insane and wonderful! Wonderful because it is going to be insane! You know me! I welcome B-U-S-Y with glee!!! :D I've had to stop taking in photo sessions until November because I have every weekend booked until right before Halloween which leaves me editing sessions like crazy in the midst of packing! Scary sweeeeet! :P We are set to close on the house November 4th so hopefully that weekend or week after we will be saying good-bye to Marlow and heading our tails back to Duncan.

Funny how God takes things, like a GREAT job, away that seem so good in life so that something even much better can happen to you! I love His crazy fast work in our lives! It's like living in an adventure all the time. It's like now that I think about all the things he has done in our lives so crazy and fast and unexpected, I kinda look forward to the next blow in the head He turns into something grand for us!

I'm ready for new and exciting! I'm ready to FINALLY get to have OUR OWN home! No more taking care of other people's rental homes? :D Yeah, I think we are both saying, "Thank heaven's we've finally got to THAT TIME in our lives!!!"

T-Shirt Scarf

2011-09-30T09:39:00.000-05:00

Yes, another pinterest idea! :D I had about 15 t-shirts saved up I was collecting to make a quilt one day (got that idea of Twilight believe it or not! LOL) but when I saw this idea I liked it much better and I decided I didn't really need ANOTHER "quilt" to sit on the huge blanket/quilt pile I already have, really. I felt like doing something new! :) I cut the fronts and some of the backs of the t-shirts out like you would big quilt squares to sew together. The rest of the left over t-shirt I cut into 1 inch strips as long as I could to save for ragging something crafty together later on!

Once I had them cut out I lined them up the way I wanted and sewed them together just like a quilt. Sewing front strip to back strip, leaving a couple inches open on one in to turn inside out an and slip stitched up the opening by hand. Ironed it and vo-llllla! A funky, dunky, hippy scarf for this fall/winter with a history of t-shirts I did NOT want to get rid of! :D *heart* it even if no one else does! lol

REALLY wanna have a lil' girl...what's new! :D

2011-09-29T08:45:00.000-05:00

I fell in love with this adorable onesie on a sale rack and for a couple bucks it HAD to be bought for my soon-coming niece but then after having it for a few weeks it needed something else! :D So, you know me, I had to go digging in my fabric pile and found this PERFECT coordinating fabric to make a headband to go with it! After I made it though I have to admit I didn't want to give it away! :P I wanted to keep it in my dreaming box in case for that someday little girl of our own that might could wear it! :D lol

2 Going On 3!

2011-09-28T21:34:00.025-05:00

The fact that that my babes are going to be 3 in 3 months is beyond crazy. Getting to be big boys now and we LOVE it! Fun, fun, fun! It feels like we're getting out of the super tough part of toddler hood. The part that drains me. The middle age. :D

Our big new this week? We are finally getting the potty thing DOWN! This week was our 3rd time to try hard core potty training and 3rd time seems to be the charm with my boys at least. First two days was a joke. Lots of messes and tears. COMPLETE exhaustion. 3rd day only 2 messes, today only 1 mess and I had Caiden actually tell me when he needed to go poop! HUGE! :D Proud of them and honestly ready to sleep for 24 hours straight! :D

Me & Mine

2011-09-16T14:44:00.000-05:00

3 years, 6 months, 1 week, 1 day, and 44 minutes married to the best 'thing' that ever happened to me!

Whys & What Nows

2011-09-15T15:46:00.000-05:00

Life has been a little more rough than usual around here of late. Things pile up inside, you fight to shove the inevitable away and change your "attitude" on your own, which of course only makes things worse. (Why do we always try to do that I'll never get.) Then finally the pressure gets heavy enough to break your last tiny string and you have a complete break down all at once. We have been giving a lot of "Whys?" and "What nows?" to God lately. Tired of trying to come up with reasons why God has done what He has the last couple years and realizing we have to be content living on the edge of cliff after cliff after cliff jumping off only to have to get up the faith to jump off another one again. We don't know why. We can't come up with answers and it's okay to wonder why and to not WANT to be where you are. It's what you do with that that matters.

Sam's work has been stressful and on the edge of the unknown for me it feels like. Lots of late night hours working overtime and lots of extra hours or boredom for the boys and Ito go insane in this quiet what-to-do-next place. We keep debating the boys and I going away for a week somewhere for them to get some "culture". lol I totally would do that if God opened a door to do that somewhere! Sam was miraculously able to force time away this last week for us to get some time together which was awesome and perfect and everything else wonderful you can think of to describe a two day trip with your hot hubby. Only downer, just when our normal selves was coming back, our lil' town side was going away and we started really enjoying ourselves it was time to head home. For some reason it hit harder heading back "home" after this trip. It always hits us when we go anywhere but this time it was like a bomb hit us. We spent our trip back and that evening back with our boys bawling and with hearts that physically hurting like it was cracking from the emotional and mental exhaustion.

Looking back at our pictures today and how much extreme fun we were having together through the ups and downs of our trip the pain in my heart wants to start back again. Living here has certainly brought out the worst in us. lol We have no choice but to deal with things in our life, our past our present, our future. There is no where to go, nothing to do, no walls of activities to hide behind. Guess that is why people go spend time with God in the mountains/nature!

One thing is for sure living here as changed us in many ways. Both in good and bad and we have grown more in our lives together, grown closer to God not being in a church (though we miss it more than anything and go to the city to visit whenever we can afford the gas or have a trip up already planned) than we both ever have in our entire lives. You are forced here to either lean on God or stay stuck in that same rut we all seem to get stuck in! God has proved He is the only option for me or I LOOSE it! lol

I'm just grateful for the man I am married too. He never tramples on my heart, something I have never been used to and sometimes don't know how to respond to.

I know there is a reason, a purpose for us being here besides Sam's job. Still just waiting on God to show what that is and until then He will have to keep holding my heart in His hands every day to keep it beating.

Homeschooling Blindspots

2011-09-14T08:02:00.001-05:00

This article has been floating around a lot in front of my face this week. I had to share it. The first time I read it I couldn't read all the way through without stopping to get out some tears and clear up my blurred vision before finishing. God used MOST of this article to show me many more lies about myself I had buried inside me and even more bitterness and hurt I had festering among those rotting lies. So many things for us to take from this as parents even if you aren't homeschooling your kids or planning to. Mr. Bradley did some major hitting nails on the head with his transparency here. IT'S A MUST READ!

Josh Harris's post

"I read the following article by Reb Bradley in the Virginia Home Educator Magazine and was challenged by it. I appreciate Mr. Bradley's humility in admitting mistakes he's made as a dad. I see some of these tendencies in my own life and many of the observations he makes line-up with things that God has been teaching our church recently. Whether or not you homeschool, I'd encourage you to read this article prayerfully and ask the Holy Spirit to help you examine your motives in your parenting."

Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling

Exposing Major Blind Spots of Homeschoolers by Reb Bradley

In the last couple of years, I have heard from multitudes of troubled homeschool parents around the country, a good many of whom were leaders. These parents have graduated their first batch of kids, only to discover that their children didn't turn out the way they thought they would. Many of these children were model homeschoolers while growing up, but sometime after their 18th birthday they began to reveal that they didn't hold to their parents' values.

Some of these young people grew up and left home in defiance of their parents. Others got married against their parents' wishes, and still others got involved with drugs, alcohol, and immorality. I have even heard of several exemplary young men who no longer even believe in God. My own adult children have gone through struggles I never guessed they would face.

Most of these parents remain stunned by their children's choices, because they were fully confident their approach to parenting was going to prevent any such rebellion.

After several years of examining what went wrong in our own home and in the homes of so many conscientious parents, God has opened our eyes to a number of critical blind spots common to homeschoolers and other family-minded people.

1. Having Self-Centered Dreams

The reason that our dreams for our children are so vulnerable to crashing is because they are our dreams, imposed on our own children. As homeschool parents we make great sacrifices and invest a great deal to influence how our children turn out. The problem is that love for children can be lost in love for personal success as a parent. Our concern for ourselves ends up overshadowing our love for our children.

When my oldest son was 18 he developed habits of disrespectful communication and I had to ask him to leave my home for a season. Needless to say, my wife and I were devastated by the discipline we imposed. In the first month he was gone we wept each day for him. We were grieved that he was now unprotected from the junk from which we had worked so hard to shelter him, but more than that, I was heartbroken that my dreams for him and our family would no longer come true. I remember speaking the words to him - "Son, you've ruined my dreams." You see, I had a dream for my family and it involved adult children who lived at home humbly under parental authority, and who would one day leave home to marry, after following my carefully orchestrated courtship process. But now, my son had gone and "messed up" my perfect dream. Nothing is wrong with dreaming of good things for your children, but the truth was, my dream for my son was mostly about me.

In hindsight, what was particularly grievous was that I was more worried about the failure of my dream of "success" than the fact that my son and I had a broken relationship. Although he did come back and was restored to us 4 months later, it still took me years to realize that I had contributed to the damaged relationship.

It is only natural for parents to have high hopes and dreams for their children. However, when we begin to see our children as a reflection or validation of us, we become the center of our dreams, and the children become our source of significance. When that happens in our home it affects the way we relate with our children, and subtly breaks down relationship.

2. Raising Family as an Idol

When we allow the success of our family to determine our security or sense of wellbeing we are seeking from it something God intends us to receive from Him. I am describing idolatry. If homeschoolers are not careful, family can easily become an idol.

At times in their history the Israelites worshipped idols. They didn't always forsake worship of the living God - they merely served other gods with Him. Sometimes they simply made an idol of something good. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees because they elevated issues of holiness higher than the very God who declared them holy (Mat 12:1-8; 23:24). An idol is anything other than God in which we seek security and fulfillment. It may be something biblical or good, but if it has the power to determine our wellbeing, we have elevated it higher than God meant for us. As those who are devoted to our families, and therefore invest a great deal of time, energy, and heart, it is easy to elevate the family too high.

A great problem with idolatry is that idols require sacrifice, and we end up sacrificing relationship with our children for the idol of the family. When we elevate the image of the family, we effectively trade our children's hearts for our reputation.

3. Emphasizing Outward Form
Preoccupation with results often leads to emphasis on outward form. When we are preoccupied with achieving results it is natural to admire the results others seem to have achieved with their children. We like the way the pastor's kids sit reverently in the front pew and take notes of their father's sermon, so we go home and begin to teach our children to sit reverently and to take notes. What we don't know is that the pastor's kids conduct themselves with reverence and attentiveness not because he "cleaned the outside of the cup" and simply drilled them to do so -- he lived a genuine love for Jesus that was contagious, and watched as the fruit was born (Matt 23:26). Parents are destined for disappointment when they admire fruit in others and seek to emulate merely that expression of fruit in their own children. Fruit is born from the inside -- not applied to the outside.

Imagine that the fruit you desired was the edible variety, so you went out into your yard and planted an apple tree. Just suppose that one day, while you were waiting for the apples to begin growing on your tree, you caught a glimpse of a neighbor's apple tree. You noticed in admiration that its branches were laden with big, luscious apples. What would you do? Would you run to the produce market to buy some apples, then go home, and in the dead of night, tie them onto your tree? If you did, the sight of your tree might really impress your neighbors. But that is not what you would do. You would likely go to the neighbor and ask how he cared for and fertilized his tree to produce such fruit. It is the same with our children - luscious fruit will be born from what we put into them - not from what we tie onto them. As a matter of fact, in no time, the fruit that we put onto our children will rot and fall off.

In the homeschool community I have observed that there can be a great emphasis on outward appearance, whether it is dressing for excellence, modesty, grooming, respectful manners, music style, or an attitude of sober reverence in worship. Some even take their children down a country path of humble fashions, raising food, and making bread. Nothing is wrong with any of these things, but we must be careful - we can model for our children outward changes and easily fall into molding their behavior and/or appearance, while missing their hearts. In some circles emphasis on the outward is epidemic.

A friend of mine, a homeschool mom, just passed away of cancer. In the week before she died, I asked her if she had any regrets in her life. She told me she wished she had baked less bread - she said if she had it to do over again she would buy bread and spend more time with her children. She had invested time and energy in pursuing the "path" because she thought it was part of the spiritual homeschool package.

Let us not forget that Jesus came against the Pharisees for their preoccupation with what they felt were legitimate expressions of spirituality. They measured holiness by what was avoided and by what would be seen by others (Mat 6:1-2, 5, 16; 23:5-6, 23-28; John 7:24). The Pharisees were earnest in their religion, but they were preoccupied with outward expressions of holiness rather than hearts of humility and love (Micah 6:8) that would bear genuine fruit. I find it fascinating that in the gospels there is not one mention of Jesus coming against immodesty, even though among his followers were prostitutes and the like. Jesus emphasized cleaning up the inside while the Pharisees were the ones preoccupied with cleaning up the outside. We must ask ourselves: Which are we more like - Jesus or the Pharisees? Even now do we justify ourselves, insisting we emphasize cleaning up both the inside and the outside?

I know that some react strongly to these assertions, so let me emphasize that I do want my wife and daughters to adorn themselves modestly. God did address it once in the New Testament (1Tim 2:9), but we must ask ourselves, is it possible that we have elevated modesty, or other issues of outward form, higher than Jesus did? If he only mentioned modesty once in the epistles and never mentioned it in his earthly ministry, but instead emphasized the importance of a changed heart bearing outward fruit, should we not follow his example and concentrate on reaching our children's hearts? Because He did address it in the first epistle to Timothy, let us teach our children the value of keeping private that which should be, but let us be careful of thinking that just because they look moral on the outside that they have God's values on the inside. Concurrently, let us also be careful of measuring everyone else's enlightenment by what we have decided is modest, spiritual, or holy.

4. Tending to Judge

In setting standards for our family, each of us must work through a process of evaluation and analysis to decide what is safe, wise, or permissible. Once we become convinced of our personal standards, not uncommonly, it follows that we believe they should apply to others as well.

The Pharisees belittled others who didn't hold to their standards. We have gone their way when we judge others. It is easy to miss this area of pride because we may not express our judgments "arrogantly"; we may instead wrap them in compassionate-sounding words. Arrogance wrapped in concerned tones is deceiving.

Pride is so deceptive that we won't know our judgments are even judgments. We will think we are just making observations and feeling pity, when in fact, we are looking down on others from our lofty place of confident enlightenment. It is a high view of ourselves that allows us to condescend to and belittle others in our mind. And if you already knew all this, be careful - pride will even cause us to be amazed that others didn't see what was so obvious to us.

Typically, when we belittle others who don't measure up to our standards, we will also imagine others are judging us. Consequently, we will find ourselves frequently being defensive. We assume that others will think lowly of us for some perceived inadequacy, so we offer unsolicited explanations and clarifications for us or our children. For example, let's say we walked past a TV at Sears and saw something of interest - when we tell others what we saw, we are careful to clarify that we saw it at Sears and weren't watching a TV at home. If we live under fear of judgment, not only will we tend to be on the defensive, but whenever we are in a public setting where our children might be "watched," we will put pressure on them.

When pride is working its work in us, we sincerely believe our personal opinions reflect God's utmost priorities and standards. What we believe to be our "enlightened" perspective becomes a filter by which we gauge others' spirituality, and therefore limits our options for fellowship. We develop a very narrow definition of what we call "likeminded" people, based on the outworkings of our values and opinions. Now we are on a path to exclusivity when we will no longer associate with those who will be with us in eternity. Is it possible we have lost sight of fellowship based on love and devotion to Jesus, and have substituted personal standards and a narrow view of Christian liberty?

There are several serious consequences of raising children in a home marked by pride and judgment. Children may grow up also judging others. Or, they may hide their real values, acting as though they embrace our values, when, in fact, they are simply seeking to avoid discipline and lectures at home. Or, they may see the shallowness of our legalistic faith that consists primarily of "avoid this, wear that, attend this," and not be attracted to it in the least.

5. Depending on Formulas

Homeschool parents often take a formulaic approach to parenting. Committed to achieving results with our children, we look for formulas and principles to ensure our success. Knowing the Bible is full of the wisdom and promises of God, we look to it for its self-working principles and promised methods. Yet, there's a problem with that. We are commanded to trust in God, not in formulas (John 14:1; Ps 37:5; 62:8). There is a monumental difference.

Trust in formulas is really dependence upon ourselves to carry out a procedure correctly. But anyone who really understands the grace of the gospel knows that we cannot take personal credit for any spiritual accomplishments. We are totally God's workmanship (Eph 2:10; Phil 2:13; 1:6) and everything good in our lives is a gift from Him (James 1:17). We can do absolutely nothing by ourselves for which we can take credit (Eph 2:8-9; Gal 6:14; Rom 4:2; 1 Cor 1:28-31; 2 Cor 11:30). Yet many of us lean toward a formulaic mentality, because our fallen natures are drawn toward self-reliance. We want to feel that by our own efforts (works) we have achieved something that will make us acceptable to God - by nature we are legalistic.

God doesn't want us to trust in principles, methods, or formulas, no matter how "biblical" they seem. God wants us to trust in HIM!

6. Over-Dependence on Authority and Control.

Fruitful training of children and roses require a goal, a plan, and diligence in labor. However, the difference is that roses have no mind of their own and only grow as they are allowed. Children are people--self-determining individuals--and they ultimately choose how they will respond to parental influence.

No amount of parental control or restriction will guarantee that a child will turn out exactly as directed. Obviously, our training increases the likelihood our children will cling to the faith when they reach maturity, or turn back to Christ if they do enter a season of rebellion, but our training does not guarantee the desired outcome.

I know that some will struggle with the assertion that parents do not have total control over the outcome of their parenting, because of Proverbs 22:6. And I would have struggled too, ten years ago, but upon examination of the passage in question, I am convinced that it is a verse meant as an admonition of wisdom, not as a promise and guarantee of outcome. Like many of the sayings in Proverbs it is written as a statement of probability and not as a promise.

Solomon set for us a great example of balanced parenting - he admonished his young adult children and gave them commandments, but he knew that for them to honor his commands he needed their hearts. That's why he said, "My son, give me your heart and let your eyes keep to my ways" (Prov 23:26). The apostle Paul knew how much he needed the hearts of those he exhorted, and therefore told them "... although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, 9 yet I appeal to you on the basis of love..." (Phile 1:8-9).

If we are to have significant influence of our teenage children we must have their hearts. Winning their hearts means gaining the opportunity to influence who they are, not just what they do.

7. Over-Reliance Upon Sheltering

An over-dependence on control in a family is often accompanied by an over-reliance on sheltering of children. It is not uncommon for homeschool parents to feel that since they filter whatever their children see and hear, they will control the results in their lives. That was me for many years. I remember saying to people, "I am controlling the influences in my children's lives, so I am going to control the outcome." I was absolutely certain that my children would be exempted from significant temptation and from developing particular bad habits because I was controlling what touched their lives.

In the last five years I have heard countless reports of highly sheltered homeschool children who grew up and abandoned their parents' values. Some of these children were never allowed out of their parents' sight and were not permitted to be in any kind of group setting, even with other "like-minded" kids, yet they still managed to develop an appetite for the world's pleasures. While I've seen sheltered children grow up and turn away from their parents' standards, conversely, I've known some Christian young people who went to public school, watched TV, attended youth groups, and dated, yet they walk in purity, have respectful, loving relationships with their parents, and now enjoy good marriages. Their parents broke the all the "rules of sheltering," yet these kids grew up close to their families and resilient in their walks with Christ.

Protecting from temptations and corrupting influences is part of raising children. Every parent shelters to one degree or another. All parents shelter - they just draw their lines in different places.Protecting our children is not only a natural response of paternal love, but fulfills the commands of God. The Scriptures are clear that we are to make no provision for our flesh (Rom 13:14) and are to avoid all corrupting influences (2 Cor 6:17-7:1). It warns us that bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor 15:33) and that those who spend too much time with bad people may learn their ways (Prov 22:24-25) and suffer for it (Prov 13:20). Just as our Father in heaven will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear (1 Cor 10:13), we rightly keep our children out of situations they will lack the moral strength to handle. Young children are weak and we are to protect the weak (1 Thes 5:12).

God understood the vulnerability of human nature when he gave the Israelites instructions before they entered the Promised Land. He told them to chase out the idol-worshipping Pagans in the land, lest His people associate with them and be drawn into idolatry (Ex 23:32-33; Num 33:51-56; Josh 23:7-13). The Israelites disregarded God's protective warning and allowed some Pagans to remain in the land. Subsequently, each successive generation of young people was lost to idolatry. God instructed them to shelter their families, but their neglect of His warnings brought pain to their children and to their grandchildren for many generations.

However, we are imbalanced when sheltering from harm is the predominant expression of our parenting. Sheltering is a critical part of parenting, but if parents keep it their primary focus, the children will grow up ill equipped to handle the temptations in the world.A child isolated from disease may appear to be of the greatest health to his parents, but the health of the human body is only proven by how it withstands an attack. A weak constitution succumbs to every germ and virus - a strong one fights them off. Our spiritual and moral health is developed and proved in the same way.

If we isolate our kids from the world until they are adults they may appear to us to be spiritually minded and strong in character. However, it is how they ultimately engage the world that proves their spiritual resilience. This is because sheltering does not transform the human heart - it merely preserves it, temporarily.

It is true that a boxer trains without an opponent until his coach decides he is ready for an actual fight. And it is true that a farmer might raise plants in a greenhouse until they are mature enough to be transplanted and face the various elements of nature. So also, we keep our children away from bad influences when they are young and need to grow unhindered in character and spiritual wisdom. The problem is that sheltering without significant preparation to engage the world fails to equip them. In fact, it may insure that they will fall in their first solo encounters.

Growing up isolated from temptation can develop a child who appears spiritually strong, but the appearance is not reality. When I was in college I moved to northern California to live for a summer in a Christian commune. I was somewhat isolated from the world and surrounded by an amazing support system of my fellow "Jesus people." I remember feeling so full of faith, so committed to holiness, and so in love with God that summer. However, the "spirituality" I felt and the level of holiness I achieved was not real and could not endure testing. At the end of summer I returned to college in Southern California and discovered that I had not developed true spiritual muscles - when faced with temptation I fell flat on my face every time. The communal environment, isolated from significant temptation, had not prepared me for the battle I would face in the world. Valid spiritual growth required that I face temptation and develop the capacity to resist it, which eventually I did. My isolation from temptation had left me like a boxer who had shadow boxed, trained rigorously, and looked good in his trunks, but had never faced a sparring partner, let alone a true opponent.

I believe that a primary reason we over-rely on sheltering is because it is easy. It requires no planning or expenditure of energy. It takes minimal immediate brainpower. we simply assess that something might be harmful and say to our children, "No." I don't know if I would go so far as to call it lazy parenting, but I will say that investing in our children takes a lot more work and a lot more time.

8. Not Passing On a Pure Faith

We've all heard it said that faith is caught and not taught. The Galatian church polluted their faith by seeking to make themselves acceptable to God with what they did or didn't do" (Gal 3:3). In the same way, we may have started off years ago with a simple, undefiled faith, but the more we got caught up in all the "works" of intense parenting, the more we moved away from a simple faith contagious to our children. It is critical for our sake, let alone for our children, that we enjoy a life-giving faith in Christ with no religious trappings added to it.

As I look back, I see that with my older children I was too concerned with how they were perceived by others. I saw their behavior as a reflection on me, and I wanted to look good. They, therefore, sensed in me a measure of pretentiousness--not the genuineness of faith that would have drawn them to me or to the Jesus I spoke about. My sincere concern for their character was overshadowed by my concern for my reputation. I have discovered that, like me, multitudes of parents want their children's hearts but live a faith that fails to completely attract them.

9. Not Cultivating a Loving Relationship With Our Children

Relationships between parents and teens are weakest in control-oriented homes. Bev and I treated our children as if they were "projects." The more they became projects, the less we had significant relationship. The less we had relationship, the more we lost their hearts. Without their hearts, the less we were able to influence them or their values. We regularly spent hour coaching and admonishing them during the teen years, not realizing that without their hearts, the best we could do was make more rules and devise new consequences. The consequences affected the outside, but not the inside.

Our Story
When my oldest son was almost 16 we let him get his first job washing dishes at a restaurant managed by a Christian friend of ours. As diehard shelterers we wrestled with whether or not our son was ready to enter the world's workforce. We knew we couldn't shelter him forever, and so finally concluded that he should be old enough to send into the world two nights a week. What we didn't realize was that he would be working with drug-using, tattooed, partiers, and our Christian friend was never scheduled to work our son's shift.

Within a month it became apparent that our son's new work associates were having an effect on him. He came home one evening and asked, "Dad, can I dye my hair blue?" After my wife was finally able to peal me off the ceiling, I laid into him, reminding him whose son he was, and that I would not have people at church telling their children not to be like the pastor's son. I explained that just because he wanted to use washable dye, it didn't make me any happier. (Note that my intense reaction had to do with "outward appearances" and the impact on me.)

Of course, my wife and I immediately began to evaluate whether we had made a mistake by letting him take the job. After an intense discussion we decided to coach him more carefully and let him keep his job.

Two months later he came home from work and asked me if he could pierce his ear. Again, my wife had to peal me off the ceiling. He thought it might be okay since he wanted a cross earring -- like I was supposed to be happy, because it would be a "sanctified" piercing. If that wasn't enough, he also wanted to get a tattoo! But it was going to be okay, because it would be a Christian tattoo!

As I was looking back on this experience several years later, something my son said shortly after he started his job kept coming back to me. When I picked him up the second night of work, he got in the car with a big smile on his face and said "They like me!" As I dwelt on that comment, it suddenly came clear to me - my son had finally met someone who liked him for who he was. Few others in his entire life had shown him much acceptance, especially not his mother and I. It is no exaggeration - in our efforts to shape and improve him, all we did was find fault with everything he did. We loved him dearly, but he constantly heard from us that what he did (who he was) wasn't good enough. He craved our approval, but we couldn't be pleased. Years later, I realized he had given up trying to please us when he was 14, and from then on he was just patronizing us.

The reason our son wanted to adorn himself like his work associates, was because they accepted him for who he was. He wanted to fit in with those who made him feel significant. He wanted to be like those who gave him a sense of identity. The problem wasn't one that could be solved by extended sheltering - he could have been sheltered until he was 30 and he still would have been vulnerable. The problem was that we had sent our son into the world insecure in who he was. He went into the world with a hole in his heart that God had wanted to fill through his parents.

Whether believer or unbeliever, those young people who are least tempted to follow the crowd are those who are secure in themselves and don't need the approval of others. The Bible calls insecurity the fear of man - it is allowing other's opinions of us to affect our values and choices.

The Solution

In the Bible we see that people obeyed God for two reasons - fear and love. King David sang of his love for God (Ps 18:1; 116:1; 119:159) and he also sang of the fear of God (Ps 2:11; 22:25; 33:8). God wants His followers to be drawn to Him out of love (Jer 31:3), and that's why it is His kindness that leads us to repentance (Rom 2:4). But He also wants us to be kept on the path by fear of His authority (Luke 12:5; 1 Pet 2:17). That's why He told the Israelites He wanted both their fear and their love; "And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul" (Deut 10:12). With our children, it should be the same.

Those who have the most power to influence our hearts are those to whom we are drawn: those who succeed with our values (which is what a hero is), those who can benefit us, those who make us feel valuable, and those who have earned our respect.

If our children grow up motivated only by fear of consequence, they will eventually get away with what they can whenever we are not around (Eph 6:6). If we have their hearts they will seek to honor us whether we are present or not, and their hearts will remain open to our influence.

I refer you to the apostle Paul who modeled this approach to leadership perfectly, "Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love..." (Phile 1:8-9a). Paul's pattern with the churches suggests he understood that appeals to love were more powerful than commands and threats.

Conclusion

I am convinced that the most contagious parenting is living a heartfelt faith before your children. Fruitful interaction is not about what you do to your young people, but who you are with them. It's about having a real faith in God, and expressing it in a real relationship with a real person--not about methods and self-working principles. God intends that the side-effect of loving Jesus and enjoying the grace of the gospel will be that all people--including our children--will be touched by the Savior in us. I pray in Jesus' name that as you read these words you will experience the grace of God in a fresh and new way.

*Reb Bradley is a writer and national conference speaker. Read the complete article from which this excerpt was taken here.

I Don't Do Drab

2011-09-07T13:17:00.001-05:00

Me 'wuv' Pinterest pins. :D Someone did this in a different color for their kitchen and pinned in on Pinterest and I feel in love with the idea of painting things in your kitchen, to spice it up, like your knife box! A) because I hate drab and boring :D B) because I love things I can do NOW in my kitchen to "decorate" that can be carried over and go in what I want to do in my own kitchen when we buy a house. I wanna find more things I can redo now! :D

Labor Day Road-trip!

2011-09-07T07:18:00.000-05:00

We took a road trip to Dallas with our awesome friends Andrew, Ruth, Abby and Karis. Was a great weekend, a wonderful two day trip, a brilliant spontaneous idea by Andrew! :D We were in much need of the trip away with some common minded fellowship, encouragement and 'upliftingness'!

And, the boys had a blast! It was their first time staying at a hotel and I can't understand how it was as if they knew what we were doing! They jumped around in the elevators gibbering and running excitedly down the hall to our room and squealing at how high we were up from our room window. lol Gotta love their delights sometimes! :D

They were pooped when we tucked them in their bed together after a long swim and a movie night that kept them up past their bedtime and they slept in good the next morning only to be sorely disappointed when they found out that we were going home. They persisted "No!" with shakes of their heads and wrinkled up lil' faces. *laugh* I understand their feelings completely! :D

On the way back we stopped to enjoy and soak up some more fellowship from The Village church!

Good times! Good memories made!

Now back home, where God has placed us for now, to keep fighting out each day one at a time!

Words Matter!

2011-09-06T12:03:00.001-05:00

I read this article and had to share. I honestly can't help but believe we live in a society of negativity. I grew up myself learning to focus on everything that was "bad" that I never got to see all the tons of good! In myself, in others, in the world, in normal life! Too much hater gossip, anger, and kids with normal emotional and spiritual needs that are being trampled and run over by there very own parents whether it is realized or not. In thinking about my life and then about my boys as they grow into men and how Sam and I as parents are the ones "responsible" for that path, I soaked this up to dwell on and to keep digging out my own lies rooted still deep inside me.

"Be mindful of the language you use to describe your children. They will come to see themselves through that filter you design." - Lori Petro, TEACH Through Love

Words are powerful. Words are especially powerful when said by parents to their children. The words we use to describe our children become a part of their self concept, and their behavior is based on their self concept. Consider these words from this article:

Our actions have deep roots on what we think and how we perceive self. Self concept has a big influence on our behavior. Behavior pattern decides actions. Stable or unstable self concept, it is a motivating force in a persons behavior...It is worth at this moment to connect the influence of our word we use to call some little ones as ‘dumb’, ‘donkey’ etc. We just casually call and forget, but those words have big impact on little minds. Some school children study below their capacities because they have learned at home and from other members of friend circle to think themselves as dumb.

I love this article , which talks about how what we think about our children often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It says this:

If we have a positive view of our children they are likely to feel the same about themselves.

It goes on to say this, which I think is so important for parents to understand:

Children will have a much easier time valuing themselves if they are valued by their parents. Dorothy Briggs, the author of Your Child's Self Esteem, says that parents are like a mirror, creating the child's self image. We reflect back to them who we think they are and they take it in as the absolute truth. They are not critical of our evaluation of them until they get much older, when the damage is largely done.

I was in the salon a couple of weeks ago, and a mother had her son there with her. She was telling everyone in the shop how difficult and bratty he has been all summer. The boy hung his head low, and I wish I'd had the courage to tell her how she was destroying his self concept, but I didn't. I often hear parents belittling their children right in front of them, using hurtful words like "mean" or "brat." Even if they never actually say these words to their children, the way they think about their kids influences the way they treat their kids, and the children will pick up on that. From What Does Your Child Look Like:

The way we 'frame' a situation, or a person, heavily influences our interactions. If we consistently see our children as frustrating impediments in what would otherwise be a well-ordered life, then every interaction with our children will be marred by that default view. Such a view promotes a deficit-orientation towards a family. It reduces motivation on the part of parents to help their 'good-for-nothing' 'bratty' 'ungrateful' children. And unsurprisingly, such an approach is hardly inspiring for children. They feed off the negativity of parental perception and typically live up to precisely what is expected of them... which is not much.

That mother in the salon was actually feeding her son's misbehavior because she was making that a part of his self concept.

I understand we aren't perfect parents, and sometimes something may slip off our tongues that we regret saying. In those instances, apologize and reaffirm to your child your love and belief in him. Positive parenting does notrequire us to be perfect, but it does require us to be mindful. Be mindful not only of the words you say, but of the thoughts you think. Reframe negative thoughts and purposefully look for and appreciate the positives in your children. Tell them how kind, capable, and wonderful you think they are. One of the greatest gifts you can give your child will never be found under the Christmas tree: A healthy self concept.

“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” - Dr. Haim Ginott

Girl's Dallas Trip!

2011-09-02T20:24:00.000-05:00

I *HEART* these two girls!!! Had so much fun with them this last weekend on our girl's trip I could just...well...squeal! Seems like so much went wrong during the weekend too. Everything from Juls loosing her engagement ring to me twisting my ankle (over a messed up McDonald's meal of all stupid things! lol) and everything in between that! Funny thing though, despite all the bumps in our trip, I couldn't have had more fun and at the end of the 3 days (I was REALLY missing my hubs like CRAZY and my boys) I felt completely blessed, lucky, happy as...an I don't know what! Thank God for the wonderful people He puts in our lives! :D

Just what Juls and I packed to have to choose from for "going out"! :D Though I had to go and wrench my ankle the next day and only got to wear 1 pair out the first night. Bummer. :(

Our hubs were ready for us to come home! :D lol

Healing The Father Wound

2011-08-25T19:48:00.000-05:00

The Father

Children's first impressions about men come from their early experiences with their perfect, present, abusive, distant or absent father. Regardless of parental devotion, no parent can fulfill all of the child's wants and desires. While these wounds can be inflicted with intent, many are unintentional and affect the child throughout life.

The Father/Daughter

This relationship forms the daughter's opinions of what men are or should be, how they should act, especially towards her, and how she should be with them. The father's behavior towards women shapes the way she learns to relate to men as well as how she relates to her own masculine side. If the father withdrew his affection at the time she entered puberty, the wound was further impacted.

Did your father rob you of valuable lessons and positive masculine guidance by merely accepting the role of disciplinarian? Or did he teach and enforce appropriate boundaries and limits? Did he model how to give and receive affection and tenderness while demonstrating the proper use of strength and power?

Part of the father's unwritten responsibility is to lovingly prepare his daughter for the major shift that has taken place in her world as women enter the traditional "male" arena. Unfortunately, many father's, themselves, had trouble adjusting and many others just weren't available to teach her to venture out from the protected realm of the home to deal with this new world and its conflicts. They didn't teach decision making balanced with objectivity nor help her develop the skills necessary to work with authority.

The Father/Son

This relationship forms the son's opinions of how he is supposed to act and how he should treat women. Too often, however, the father wasn't around to present a healthy model for his son.

Today, men have had to face the confusing challenge of learning to balance power with sensitivity, strength with feeling, and mind with heart all on their own.

Are you confused about your "role" today? Does it feel like you have to solve all of your problems on your own and hide the feelings of fear, pain or sadness (act like a man)? Are you still affected by past feelings or resentments toward your father?

We will learn to dissolve our own isolation by learning that all men have fear, pain and sadness. We will break down old barriers of competition and distrust to explore feelings and relationships and begin the healing process. We will use the strength that men bring to men to expand our knowledge and feelings without abandoning such traditional male virtues as courage, honor, loyalty and strength.

The Healing

Blame is a festering wound which needs to be released. Letting go yet holding the father responsible for what he did or did not do is important medicine for the wound. Forgiving him allows the wound to scab over which leads to eventual healing. The scar then becomes the reminder that healing has taken place.

In a safe, supportive, non-shaming environment, conducive to major change, we utilized appropriate emotional release and experiential exercises to release many of the stuck feelings and hidden memories.

We all come into the world helpless, dependent and needing acceptance, to be treated as worthy, and to be blessed. The father wound is the absence of this love from your birth father. The wound can be caused by:

neglect – I am unimportant;
absence – divorce, separation, death;
abuse – mental, physical, sexual, spiritual;
control – domineering;
lack of blessings – at various stages of life; and
lack of affirmation – that leads to a lack of self-acceptance.
The effect of a father wound is low self-esteem, a deep emotional pain inside and a performance orientation that makes us “doers” rather than “beings”. While salvation makes us new creations in Christ, it does not necessarily address this wound inside. We tend to have four barriers that inhibit the healing of this wound:

Pride – no will to confront or change – I’m alright
Sin – no will to confess or receive forgiveness
The wound itself – emotional hurt inside
Lies – misconceptions about self, birth father and Father God

Instead of going to the pain and receiving the healing that we need, we tend to respond to life events by creating a misconception about our “Self”.

Relationship to Our Birth Father

When we hold a conception of our birth father as angry, violent, uncaring, indifferent, distant/withdrawn, absent/abandoning, alcoholic, condemning and/or critical, we tend to believe the following words about ourselves:

I am unworthy
I am stupid
I am incompetent
I am unloved or unlovable

As long as we accept these words as truth, we will experience depressed, anxious and
angry lives.

Relationship to God the Father

Often a person’s image of God the Father is contaminated by the personal experience he or she has with the birth father. When there is a misconception that God is: watching, judging, angry, unhappy with my sin, fearsome, legalistic, and a discipliner; the words that we tend to believe are:
I am not good enough.
I am guilty/shameful.
I must work harder to justify myself.

As long as we accept these words as truth, we will seek to perform and prove our worth through perfectionism and materialism, or seek addictions to cover the pain.

Addressing the Father Wound

There are three steps to addressing the father wound:

1) understanding the heart of God
2) inviting Jesus into the wounds created by the birth father
3) accepting the truth about one’s Self as a child of God

1) The Heart of God
As seen in the Prodigal son story:
- we are free to choose our own path
- the Father waits patiently for us to return to him
- when we return, he accepts us unconditionally
- he runs to accept and embrace us
- he values us by celebrating

God’s provision for salvation
- he loves us first
- we are his beloved creation
- he offers salvation for our sin
- he wants a relationship with us

Jesus as the Wounded Healer:
- he was tempted by Satan to know our temptations
- he experienced suffering to know our suffering
- he was rejected, mocked, beaten and crucified
- he fully understands our pain and wants to help
- 1 Peter 2:24 “By his wounds you have been healed”

Jesus Heals:
- when invited into memories, he comes
- when he comes into memories, my clients describe him as: gentle, kind, caring, loving, warm, friendly, hugging, accepting and healing.

When you understand his love:
- confess to Him the misconception you have had
- receive His forgiveness
- receive His love

2) Invite Jesus into the Wounds Created by Your Birth Father

Do inner healing for the memories:
- invite Jesus into the specific memories
- understand the words that you accepted at the time
- ask Jesus to reveal his truth to you.
- receive His truth about who you are

Choose to forgive your Birth Father:
- for hurtful words
- for hurtful actions
- for not loving you
- for not blessing you
- for affecting your image of God the Father

3) Accept Yourself as a Child of God
Receive the words of truth:
- I am accepted
- I am chosen
- I am loved
- I am God’s creation
- I am precious in His sight
- I am forgiven
- I have been redeemed
- I will never be left or forsaken
- I have an eternal inheritance
- Nothing can separate me from the love of God

As you understand the truth about God’s love and know your True Self In Christ, it frees you to let go of the pain and forgive your birth father. The new perspective that is created enables you to see your birth father through different eyes and allows you to live in freedom.

@Father Wound @Agape Healing

Misunderstood

2011-08-24T21:14:00.001-05:00

"Even Jesus endured assault-not the open accusation that he had a wicked heart, but the more subtle kind, the seemingly "innocent" Arrows that come through "misunderstanding."

After this, Jesus went around in Galilee, purposely staying away from Judea because the Jews there were waiting to take his life. But when the Jewish Feast of Tabernacles was near, Jesus' brothers said to him, "You ought to leave here and go to Judea, so that your disciples may see the miracles you do. No one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret. Since you are doing these things, show yourself to the world." For even his own brothers did not believe in him. (John 7:1-5)

I think we can relate to that. Did your family believe in you? Or did they believe in the person they wanted you to be? Did they even notice your heart at all? Have they been thrilled in your choices, or has their disappointment made it clear that you just aren't what you're supposed to be? At another point in his ministry, Jesus' family shows up to collect him. "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to see you" (Luke 8:19). They think he's lost it, and they've come to bring him home, poor man. Misunderstanding is damaging, more insidious because we don't identify it as an attack on the heart. How subtly it comes, sowing doubt and discouragement where there should have been validation and support. There must be something wrong with us."

~ Ransomed Heart Ministries Daily Reading

I got this cool idea for storing my lettuce and supposedly you can't store it any better way. We'll see. The lettuce It is supposed to last for much longer before wilting and turning brown! We'll see! :D The jars are pretty sitting in my vegetable drawer anyways!

Silly Socks

2011-08-23T19:19:00.000-05:00

Today was Silly Sock Day at MDO since we're learning about the letter 'S' this month. Instead of buying two pairs of silly socks that most likely would never get worn again (the hate wearing socks for any amount of prolonged time) we just made our own out of a pair of socks they already had and digging in my craft buckets! Besides, it have us something else to do and the boys had a blast. :) AND low and behold when they were dry guess what they did for the rest of the day? They actually wore the darn things without taking them off!!! SCORE! :D Perhaps I can take advantage of ideas like this for Winter! That is if we GET a "winter" here! :P

"Curtain" Art

2011-08-19T13:20:00.001-05:00

3 little boys, me, an old twin sheet, kids paint and paintbrushes = 45 fun filled minutes! :D
Yesterday after mother's day out we brought home the boy's buddy Sebastian for a couple hours before his mommy came to get him. Since it was too hot outside {what's new} I decided to ward off the immediate boredom of being back home after fun at MDO with busting out some kinda project for them that my boys hadn't done before! I couldn't find anything or think of anything else I had that was big enough for them all to paint on so I taped this blue sucka' to the floor and we had at it! :D While we were splashing and dabbing I thought of an idea of what to do with it when it was dry! The utility needed some sprucing up color anyways! Who wants khaki and black! So Boring! :D It can stay there until they wanna paint on it some more then I can take it down and we can do the other side!

This would be so TOTALLY cute to do on white sheets, hem the bottom up and hang in a kids room or play room!

The Impostor

2011-08-19T07:32:00.001-05:00

"From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his "Spock" persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. "When I was eight," confesses Brennan Manning, "the impostor, or false self, was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.'" Notice the key phrase: "as a defense against pain," as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.

So God must take it all away. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus.

Why would God do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that "whoever wants to save his life will lose it" (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for "life" is the word psyche-the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life-those are the things that will actually destroy us. "There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death," says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a lie; the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways."

~Ransomed Heart Ministries Daily Readings

10. Trashin' to Fashion

2011-08-16T09:15:00.001-05:00

I wanted to do something different and granted don't give me a hard time about making little girl things! :P I'm fully aware I have to give them away or save them for what may never be but I just can't help myself! I have the feeling there might be more to follow this one! :D

I added in bigger polka dot fabric to the "mix" for ruffles, headband, and even to make my own covered buttons to go down the back of the dress! I also made bloomers you just can't see them obviously in the pictures here. The ladybugs are just iron on appliques I had that I hand-stitched on.

FYI: My boys LOVE to put things on their head (from any hat to my hair clips and hair ties, to rubber bands {ouch}) and this was started on his own NOT by Mommy! :P Course I encouraged the picture, duh! :D

Pizza Night!

2011-08-15T06:37:00.001-05:00

If there is one thing the boys love to do with Mommy "around the house" (besides loading and unloading the dryer) it would be making pizza! They love it! Course I think the main reason is so they can eat the pepperonis and cheese. :) You know, the unofficial rule about "the chef gets to nibble no one else, get outa here!" :D Conner was the 'ingredient dumper' this time, NOTICE the cup of flour on the floor :D, and Caiden did the dough patting! On went MOST of the toppings into the oven and then running feet and squeals of "Yeah Pizza!!!" when I holler "pizza is ready, lets eat!" :D
Your heart just has gotta melt sometimes at their cuteness, innocence, their excitement over the small things in life like...pizza! LOL

No Dependence BUT on God...

2011-08-12T14:30:00.003-05:00

"God intends for us to be dependent on Him continually without end. We do have a trouble every single day that should drive us to neediness on Christ: our sin. Jesus kept telling the "righteous" of His day that he was the light of the world, and he came to expose the truth about them. They thought everything was fine when it wasn't, because they did not realize they were sinners and how deeply their sin ran. He came to show them their sin. If we do not have trouble this day, in this sin fallen world, then we are deceiving ourselves. It is only when we are needy and dependent on Christ that we find peace, joy, and true gratitude - because we come to him and find it in him, since he bore our trouble on the cross.

Thus, the process of recognizing trouble, being honest about it (instead of trying to ignore it and focus only on the blessings in our life), and going to Christ in dependence is what produces true happiness because now the truth has set us free. We didnt have to ignore, downplay, or mask a single ounce of it, and yet Christ overcame it all. We have joy and love for him because now we realize just how much he did for us. We have hope because we see his presence, power, and work more clearly in our life.

Satan hates this process so tries to get people to buy into this good sounding "doctrine" that we ignore the negatives in our life and focus only on the blessings. It sounds good, because we see how destructive a negative person can be to themselves and others. Negativity is definitely a problem, but The problem with negative people is two fold: yes, they need to count their blessings, but the most important thing is that they need to go to Christ and actually trust Him with their pain.

Satan can get us in two ways: either focus on your problems only, or focus on your blessings only. Both of these lead to death, and Satan wins. Jesus calls us to look at the truth, which will have a mix of both blessings and troubles, and then bring it to Him. He becomes the focus and the center, and our Savior. He rescues us from the troubles. I get passionate about this because I have seen more lives destroyed by happy plastic Christianity. It is more deceptive... People think they are clothed when they are not, and breaking that illusion is much more difficult than helping a negative person call out to and trust Christ."

_ _ _ _ _
"School" has started back so the boys are back in two days of Mother's Day Out again! First day back this week they were so excited all morning every time I would talk about going to play and learn with their friends Caiden would go "Yeah!!!", throw up his hands and start chattering a hundred miles a hour like he is so good at doing! :D Just from this week I can already tell a difference in their attitudes compared to the days at home all summer! No more fit throwing and desperate cries of "No! No! No! Go! Mamma!!!! Go!" when we go somewhere and then come back home, because they don't want to get out of the car and go inside! YES that has happened! It isn't just me going crazy here! :P
So we are all relieved that we have something to get out and break up the week with once more to cheer up the attitudes at home! :D We're looking at hopefully autumn soon, slightly cooler weather at least and HOLIDAYS!!!!! How can I NOT think about that one! Just around the corner soon now!

I Can Have the Courage Too...

2011-08-10T13:50:00.000-05:00

Live free of my screwed vision of who God has been made out to be

Find amazing peace in life in God

Live free of boxes, boundaries, and "goody goodiness"

Get excited about life

Spring free of the Superwoman (man) trap

Embrace my strengths

Enjoy giving and receiving love

Face and transform my fears

Ask for help and support when I need it

Trust myself

Make my own decisions and choices

Befriend myself

Complete unfinished business

Realize that I have emotional and physical rights

Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal

Give myself credit for my accomplishments

Love the little girl within me

Overcome my addiction to approval from those who misuse that need

Grant myself permission to play

Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately

Nurture others -because I want to, not because I have to

Choose what is right for me not what everyone tells me is right for me

Set limits and boundaries and stick to them

Have realistic expectations

Take risks and accept changes

Grow through challenges

Be totally honest with myself

Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions

Heal old and current wounds

Wave goodbye to guilt

Plant "flower" not "weed" thoughts in my mind

Let God fill my own cup first -then nourish others from the overflow

Plan for the future but live in the present

Value my intuition and wisdom

Know that I am lovable

Develop healthy supportive relationships

Make forgiveness a priority

Take these things and face the world with strength -when it's time

Accept myself just as I am now just the way God made me and wants me to be!

It ONLY gets in the way!

2011-07-30T09:32:00.000-05:00

Someone else can NOT define me. My circumstances past or present can not define me. Peoples actions and words towards me can not define me. What "people think of me" aka "my reputation" does not have to have a hold on me! God doesn't care about that! From knowing Him, from growing closer to Him comes the character, the truth, the fruit in our lives and from THAT naturally comes the "good reputation" so many are consumed about having which leads into being controlled by the fear of man! At the end of my life if all I have focused on is my relationship with God I will have the best life here on earth that NEVER I could have had had I forced myself to "do that good, be that good, make sure you have others that are pleased with you". You are letting others control you AND NOT God! How can I say that is building up my relationship with Him! It is obvious when Christ is in a person AT WORK verses when OTHERS are "in them" at work!

Besides that I am sick of the panic and anxiety attacks that come when other's have control "in me"! :D lol
No matter what my "life" has been like I have the choice whether or not to believe the lie that I have always believed or I can choose to change that lie now. I can not change memories, or what happened to start the lie but I can change what I do about it now! I can choose to get the crap out of my life NOW! I do not HAVE to live there anymore. I don't have to let Satan eat me up with insignificance, insecurity and lies that were placed in my head as a little girl and carried over into my adult life!

God thinks I am perfect, beautiful, HE created me not anyone else. No one thinks of me like He does and HE is the only "one" who should matter! He will place in what I need to be there! He will heal me! He will give me the capability to love, to have joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control! THAT is nothing I can force on my own. I will fail. That is nothing I can CHOOSE to do, I will fail. That comes ONLY out of that closeness to Christ and He lives through me. That closeness to Christ is MY choice and "doing and being and trying" in this life according to others is NOT going to get me anywhere in my closeness to my only true Father.
I wanted to really get what the last part of Galatians 5:23-24 meant that says, "against such there is no law". I started looking it up different versions and what I it in The Message I felt God give me a hug! :D A HUGE peace and a breath of fresh air HIT me. I had some happy tears for the first time in forever! This is something I could read a couple times every day just to get my head out of "that place" and totally on CHRIST instead of really on everything else but Him!
THEN I couldn't stop reading and as I read up I HAD to share them! They are just so PERFECT! Exactly what God has been working on teaching Sam and I both! BIG TIME teaching to me since how I can't seem to get out from under the bondage of "others" and their "judgement". Again the reputation thing!

^16-18 My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?

^19-21It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

^22-23But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

^23-24Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

----------
So this week as been "sis week"! :D Last weekend all the sisters and my mom got together for another crop since how my mom, older sister and I are so stinkin' behind (we can blame it on having kids to have to keep up with now too! :D) we need the extra motivation from each other to "get em done"! When I left to come back home I brought back two of my lil' sises and they stayed until Wednesday and we met mom and switched out with my other sis for the rest of the week until this Sunday so she is still here now! I wanna keep her too! The top two reason is because It's nice to have someone else around all day who can drive :) AND to have someone else to talk to all day who understands and gets along perfectly with you and I can say stuff other than "no", "wait" "share" "sit in time-out" etc. I also haven't had to sit and watch every Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Jake and The Nederland Pirates either! :D

It's ALL from the Relationship!

2011-07-18T07:38:00.000-05:00

All my life I was taught how to have a cranial relationship with God and the deep heart love relationship was absent. Thus came the works based, ministry based, servant based, strive for holiness lifestyle. There is a difference in knowing ABOUT someone and knowing them! We grew up with more knowledge about Christ than honestly I think we knew what to do with. So much teaching and instruction, how to's and READING the Bible cover to cover and over again. All the while following certain scriptures that God used to say something different to everyone through as a guideline for reasons we did and did not do certain things because one "holy" person that everyone respected said "this is what it means" and yet most of the scripture was taken completely our of context too!
Say before I met Sam I was given a book about him and I adamantly memorized that book cover to cover in order to know all about him. That was it. I KNEW him! Cover to cover, beginning to end, now I knew all there was to know and I had to do nothing else yet really I know so little about him. And everyday of our relationship, the closer we get, learn, grow and heal I learn yet something more about him I did not know. I never will ever know EVERYTHING there is to know about him! (Taken from "Theophostic")
Christ is about the relationship! From the relationship, (not the rules, guidelines, dos and don'ts) from the transformation comes the flowing out of holiness NOT from controlled behavior!

"Knowledge puffeth up..."

I am quoting this from one of our very good friends Sam works with. When I read this it was like he was reading my heart in a sense and I had to share it.

"The church has developed this amazing way to be always talking about God and holiness while subtly putting the burden of becoming holy on your back. In the process, they stop abiding in Christ and start abiding in their own ability to become "holy". This is, in fact, exactly what the Pharisees did. Their entire life was about God and being holy. They slowly forgot that they were sinners and that they were powerless to remove the sin from their hearts, so rather than going to God in dependence and asking Him to expose and remove their sin, they worked on becoming righteous. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying God doesn't want us to be holy - I'm just saying we are utterly dependent on Him to do it - we can resist, or we can want it. It's subtle, but huge.

Our work is to press into God not trying to be holy. James described this process perfectly in chapter 4 of James. He tells us we need to resist the devil, cleanse our hands, purify our hearts and draw near to God and then shows us what that means, "Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up." Who lifts us up? God. Of course, being transparent is a huge part of this. If God is constantly exposing our sin and working on it, we put a stop to Him the moment we hide it from view. Also, the body cannot function if its members are not being transparent, confessing sin one to another."Striving for holiness puts a burden on my back I was never meant to carry. Jesus' burden is light, and it is simply this: abide in Him and He in you, and you will bear much fruit. He will grow and nourish our ability to obey from the heart. When we take it upon ourselves to make ourselves holy, which was the general focus of the "older generation", we step away from Him and abide in our own self effort. This is a miracle only Christ can do, and our job is to fight the fight of faith to believe He can and will do it. Otherwise, we become a Pharisee."

Their 1st fun, decorated, themed "boy room"!

2011-07-11T18:18:00.003-05:00

It's been on delay since before their 2nd birthday. So finally this last weekend the boys took a trip to stay with their aunts and uncle and I tore the place apart. Literally! It felt like a mini move. I had two complete days to myself in the house with nobody! Amazing? I know! :D Though I have to admit by Friday afternoon I missed them a little, I did! :D It felt good inside to get it done for them! They needed the "this is our room" stimulation. "THEIR place!" It was awesome too that they are old enough that they are excited about it and realize what happened. That they really want to go in their room and play.

First night in their own bed was a little rough but their nap the next day went off without the troubles of the night before. Conner liked having his OWN bed while Caiden was wanting to crawl in next to bubba again, which Conner was highly protesting against! :D

BEFORE!

AFTER!

July 4th Weekend!

2011-07-11T12:23:00.002-05:00

You can count on me like 1, 2, 3...

2011-07-02T22:33:00.000-05:00

This girl has been the best friend I have even had in my life! The one I can be COMPLETELY me with, transparent with and it doesn't matter. I can share the bad and she doesn't judge me. We have a lot in common with our struggles of life as a young mom living where we do. She has been my lifesaver, my rock, my lovely, my bestie in this town! Through thick and think I don't know WHAT I would do without her here! God sure does know who to bring into your life and JUST exactly when you need them too!

I LOVE YOU DIANA!!!!!

In case ya haven't noticed...she is FREAKIN' GORGEOUS too! :D

"How the Teachings of Emotional Purity and Courtship Damage Relationships"

2011-06-30T10:05:00.004-05:00

(Thank you Christy for sharing this song/video to me. REALLY perfect.)

Excerpt down below is taken form this blog!

I HAD to share this on my blog when I read it! She couldn't have stolen so many of the words RIGHT out of Sam and I's heads and hearts! Sam and I are fighting with the foundation of our marriage. Our (i hate the word now lol) courtship. How everything was handled. The questions we have, the wonderings. Someday I we will have the guts to share our deep side of our story. A very few people know the deep truth and pain behind our "perfect rule book courtsihp that everyone was watching VERY CLOSELY,praising then judging" at EVERY turn; every decision made. The pressure to "do it the right way" to everone else, to our parents to how we were taught. Someone said something I couldn't agree with more "It occurs to me that this whole "courtship" thing really does have a lot in common with Pharisaism--"God gave us a rule (save sexual intimacy for marriage), so let's build a colossal fence of mad-made rules around it (don't hold hands) especially in front of your younger siblings, while sitting in church together!!!!"
Sam gets VERY ticked on the dwelling of this part of our lives. The foundation that was supposed to start the building of our marriage is super dry sand and the painfully hard part is figuring out HOW to go back and start over at square 1 AFTER marriage. The part of falling MADLY in love is full of doubt and questions.

She also has a Part 2 that is also VERY good to read. (Especially for those eye rolling doubters! :P)
AND a Conclusion post as well!
But for now...

"There are many times that I don't realize just how much strange teaching I've had to "un-do" in my life until I try to explain them to someone else. This happened to me the other night. A dear friend and I were talking about our kids and how to help them transition from children to adults. The topic of dating and relationships came up and we started talking about my story. Sometimes it's actually comforting to me to be met with blank or incredulous stares from people I consider "normal", good Christians. It somehow validates my belief that some of the teachings I grew up with were very wrong.

I've also lately started facing the ways in which the teachings of "emotional purity", (a la Josh Harris, the Ludys, and others) have damaged the part of my brain that makes healthy relationships function.

I define "emotional purity" in the same way that popular homeschool writers have: it is the idea of "guarding your heart". Which sounds all noble and righteous and everything but in this context is really just a facade for fear. Fear of loving and losing. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of being damaged. Fear of not measuring up. In my life it meant never having a crush on a guy, never allowing myself to "fall in love", basically training myself to shut down a normal, healthy, functioning part of my human heart.

I'm 27 years old, been married for almost 7 years. I rejected the teachings of courtship and emotional purity when I was 19. But their effects have yet to leave.

There are several ways that these teachings can damage a person's heart.

1. They cause shame.

Shame because sometimes you can't help but like one guy a little more than another. Shame because that's "sinful" and "emotionally impure". Shame because it sets a standard and proclaims that you are somehow shameful if you cannot keep it. You are considered damaged goods if you have fallen in love and had your heart broken. It was Josh Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the Ludy's in several of their books that popularized the idea that everytime you fall in love or get "emotionally attached" to someone, you give away a piece of your heart. The more pieces you give away, the less of your heart you have to give to your spouse someday. He even went so far as to say that each of those former flames actually have some sort of hold on you. This has got to be the most bogus and the most damaging teaching of this entire movement. Love doesn't work that way. The more you give, the more you have. My 3rd child doesn't have less of my heart just because I've loved two other children before him. And, really, I haven't given them "pieces" of my heart. I've given them each all of my heart. The miracle of love is that it multiplies by being given.

Each person I love has "a piece of my heart"...my best friend, my sisters, my husband, my parents, my kids. It is ridiculous to suggest that there is not enough of my heart to go around.

And what view of redemption does this teaching proclaim? Not one that I want anything to do with. It is an incompetent redemption.

2. They cause pride.

Pride because suddenly you are better than everyone else. Becauseyou have never had a crush on a guy. You have kept your heart for your spouse. You didn't say "I love you" til your wedding day. Pride in human accomplishment. Pride because you are so much more spiritual than that poor girl over there who is crying because her boyfriend broke up with her. Because your heart is whole and she just gave a piece of hers to a guy she isn't married to. Pride because you did it right, she did not. You have more to give your future husband than she does. She is damaged goods, you are the real prize.

This is exactly what happened to the Pharisees. They made up laws that God never condoned, then patted themselves on the back for keeping them, while looking down on those who didn't. This has nothing to do with the righteousness and grace of God, and everything to do with the accomplishments of man. I remember watching a video where one of the biggest names in the courtship movement bragged with obvious arrogance that he didn't tell his wife he loved her until their wedding. And I thought "how twisted can we get?" We took something as simple as saying "I love you", built a strawman rule around it ("saying I love you is defrauding") then hung it like a trophy on our walls. Job well done, folks.

3. They create skewed views of relationships which lead to dysfunction

This is where I still struggle. Where others see nothing wrong, I am suspicious of every look, every situation, every witty exchange. I am still uncomfortable hugging one of my best friends who is a guy. Because we were never to hug or have physical contact, even innocent, with a guy. Voices in my head scream "defrauder!" just by giving a friend a quick hug. I feel ill at ease sometimes even talking to other men. Oh, they never notice. Because I'm really good at pushing those feelings away and acting "normal". But I am bothered by my reaction to everyday situations. We were taught never ever ever to be alone with a guy. Because it could look bad. He could be tempted. You might start thinking impure thoughts. You might even *gasp* flirt!

I was trying to explain this to my friend and it came out sounding so....crazy and embarrassing. I told her if she was to walk out of the room, leaving me and her husband in the same room, my first reaction would be one of panic. "This might look bad.... what if he talks to me...what if someone else sees us....what is he thinking..."My second reaction, close on the heels of the first, would be a coping mechanism that I learned long ago: I calmly tell myself that "this is perfectly normal and perfectly innocent...he probably doesn't even notice me...this is a Godly man I know and trust....the only person who would ever freak out about this is me....to the rest of the world there's nothing wrong here". I then calm down, act normal, and hope nobody noticed my crazy internal battle. Cuz they'd probably admit me to a psych ward. Thank you, Josh Harris and Co. I hate this about myself! I am a strong, confident person. But the idea that I can defraud just by a look, that I could become emotionally impure just by a thought, that I might become damaged goods with pieces of my heart strewn all over tarnation, and that guys "only have one thing on their mind" and we need to help them control themselves, has truly negatively affected what should be normal interactions with my friends. Honestly, I don't get embarrassed talking about much. But this admission isn't easy for me.

Guess what? In the real world, men and women can have innocent relationships. They can talk to each other without one of them thinking there's ulterior motives. They can laugh and exchange wits and, yes, even drive in a car together without anybody thinking anything dubious is happening. They are not naiive but they are not afraid of their own shadows. Purity and integrity in relationships can be there without being unnaturally freaked out about it. The other night, I stuck my tongue out at a guy friend who was teasing me and his wife cracked up laughing. As I laughed, I felt myself looking down on the situation, amazed that nobody thought twice about it, then amazed that I DID...that I had to push away feelings of guilt because what if someone thought I was *gasp* flirting?! This is one dysfunction that I really wish I could be freed from. Maybe time is the only cure and I need to be more patient with myself. These teachings have deep, rotten roots and it takes time to pull them all out.

4. They teach us to make formulas to be safe

1 + 1= 2. Emotional purity + Biblical courtship = Godly marriage. But life doesn't work that way. You can do everything "right" and your life can still suck. You can do everything "wrong" and still be blessed. Rain falls on the good and evil. Time and chance happen to them all. People who follow the courtship formula still get divorced. Or stuck in terrible marriages. Courtship is not the assurance of a good marriage. Life is too complicated for that. Love involves vulnerability. When you choose to love, you are choosing to accept risking a broken heart. No formula can protect you. Life involves risk. Following God involves risk. He is not a "safe" God. But He is good.

God doesn't seem to like formulas. Because formula is the opposite of faith. Formula says "I will follow a God that I've put neatly in a box, to give me the desired results". Faith says "I will follow You even when I can't see where I'm going, even when the world is collapsing around me". Formula says "I will not risk, I will be in control of my future". Faith says "I will risk everything, I will trust Whom I cannot see, surrender what I cannot control anyway." Formula is the assurance of things planned for, the conviction of things seen. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Heb. 11:1). But we are afraid. So we control instead of trust. We don't take a step unless we can see where we're going. We build neat little formulas and say "THIS will keep me safe!" Then we blame God when our puny formulas fail.

These teachings need to be stopped. They were new in my generation and now I, and others like me, are reaping the fruit of them. And the fruit is rotten to the core. I'm sure those who promoted such ideas had good intentions. But good intentions aren't enough. Without Truth and Grace they can do more harm than good. Thanks to those good intentions, we are seeing an entire generation of homeschool alumni who have no idea how to have normal relationships. I have talked with literally hundreds of alumni my age, and am not exaggerating the extent of the issue. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my dysfunction but discouraging as well. What is encouraging is that most of us have determined to stop the insanity. We will not be passing these things to the next generation. Instead we will teach our children to love God with all that they have, all that they are; and to love and respect others as they love themselves.

I leave you with the words of a very wise man:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

~C. S. Lewis"

"Why don't you just move on!?!"

2011-06-29T20:55:00.002-05:00

My blood in my body is pounding with my heart and the craziness in my head is impossible to sort out. This week has proved to be one heck of a ride of a week. I can not for the life of me seem to be able to sort out everything in my head and I can not figure out why my body is reacting the way it is today! I can't seem to figure out what exactly is setting me into the breaking point of emotional exhausting because there are so many reasons why that could be happening.

I'm done trying to stay afloat and I can feel myself hitting bottom and letting it just go! I read this this afternoon on this blog and the tears just spilled.

"Why don't you just move on?""You're being selfish...complaining about your past...all I hear is 'me, me, me'""Paul said to forget what lies behind and press on toward the goal.""Don't let your past define you.""Get over the 'victim mentality' and get on with your life.""Writing about such things breeds malcontent, bitterness, and unforgiveness.""You must not be healed completely if you keep going back to these things."
Any of the above sound familiar? Sometimes I feel like a broken record is playing.
What I want to know is, who says that those of us who write against spiritual abuse, using our own pasts, aren't "moving on"? Do they think that writing about what happened, about our own stories, means that we're still stuck in that place? That we cannot "get past it"? Why does it have to be either/or?
I don't believe it does. These people like to quote Phil. 3:13: "But this one thing I do, forgetting those things that lie behind, and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." They claim that we are not doing this. That by not "forgetting" we are not "pressing on". But I say that we are. Do you realize that Paul, previous to saying this, spent an entire chapter talking about where he came from? Talking about his past? He obviously didn't "forget". As in denying who he was, what he'd done, and where he came from.
Are we supposed to do this as believers? "Forget" where we were before Christ saved us? The New Testament is full of such phrases as "you once were....but now you are". The writers of the epistles constantly speak of what things were like in their past and the past of their readers, while pointing to their present. Why? Because who we are is in part defined by who we were.
Think about it.
How can you write about healing without first talking about brokenness?
How can you proclaim victory without first speaking of defeat?
How can you claim freedom without first describing bondage?
How can I "comfort those who are in trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" if I cannot speak of how God has comforted me?
How can I speak of salvation without talking about what I was saved from?
How I praise God for His forgiveness if I cannot remember for what I was forgiven?
I cannot. It just doesn't work that way.
I can speak of my past sins with sorrow, but as one who is not bound by them anymore. I can speak of past pain as one who has been and is being healed. Without the perspective of the past, we cannot understand our present or our future. This isn't bitterness, though it definitely could be there. No matter who we are we must constantly be watchful that we don't let such things as bitterness and resentment take up residence in our hearts. That doesn't mean we live in constant fear of being bitter. But there is a huge difference between remembering where I came from so as to not go there again, and dwelling on the sins of others in such a way that we let hatred of them consume us. I and others who use our own pasts to speak against a vile wrong in conservative circles are not "breeding malcontent or unforgiveness". Anyone who says differently obviously hasn't read very much of my blog or my friends' blogs.

And, yes, I will always be a "victim". As my friend, Lore, put it: "I get so tired of the way people like that use the word "victim." A victim is a person who has been wronged, a person against whom a crime has been committed. The word has nothing to do with being strong or weak, or having a good or bad attitude. If someone was hit by a car, even if it was an accident on the part of the well-intended driver, that person is a victim of an auto accident. If someone's house is robbed, even if that person took every possible security measure before, during, and after the robbery, and even if that person has a very proactive response to the situation, that person is a victim of a robbery.
Likewise, if someone was subjected to a system of spiritual abuse, especially if that person's parents imposed said system when the person was a child, that person has been wronged. To borrow from the Lord's Prayer, that person has been "trespassed against."
I am the victim of a house fire. I always will be. Because it happened. This helps to explain a little about my heart, who I am, how I react to crisises effect on me will change as the years go by.
We're all on a journey. None of us get there overnight. Sometimes we backtrack, have set-backs. Some days we go miles, other days mere inches. But if we ever forget where we came from, we will be just as lost as if we do not know where we are going. Without the perspective of our past paths, out future paths aren't as easily understood. We talk about our journey so that others might be encouraged on theirs. We tell them "I've been there, you're not too far now" and they get the courage to keep moving on. We say "you don't want to go down that path...I did just that and let me tell you where I ended up". And some person might be saved from that mistake. We overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. By the word of our testimony, others too might be saved.
One last thought: I am sorry for the person here who said that if their daughter were to write about them the way I write about my parents that they would feel horrible. I certainly hope you would. You shouldfeel horrible when you have hurt someone you love. But then you should "move on". Confess your sins to them and seek forgiveness. Pray for reconciliation. Be real and open and honest about your mistakes. And let grace have its way with you. But do not be offended if they then learn from your mistakes, take them and use them to help others light their paths. Hopefully you too will be able to say "Yes, I did that, I said that, I was wrong" and let the shame roll off your back and into the gutter where it belongs.

After spending the last two nights bawling and talking things out in Sam's arms I feel a NEW light bulb (or an old one probably that was just newly enlightened) came on. I'm feel like I am finally stepping OUT of the bubble where I realize there are people all across this world who feel the same things I feel, who fight with the same problems in their hearts, their minds, their lives! I am NOT just a drama queen making a mountain out of a mole hill! It is bad. It is not good! The things ARE real. They are ridiculous! They are wrong! They DO have to be dealt with! Just because my family doesn't see these things does NOT mean they are not there! I can't stuff!!! I'll never be free! For some reason it is freakin' hard for me to grasp onto that, "Ya can't stuff" part! I was raised to stuff! Emotions were not seen as a good thing God actually created! You pushed it down and just DID and that was that! You JUST DID because! You questioned and you were a rebellious "young adult" (teenager was a bad word). You pushed and line and boundary anything trying to find out what YOU believed and what was REALLY true and you were IN FOR IT. How am I ever gonna be healed or be set free staying that way! There is no freedom in Christ if you are too caught up in the ways to please Him to try and get closer TO Him!

I exhausted myself trying to make sure everyone was happy, I was as two faced as the joker on batman. I knew what I was supposed to do to make everyone happy. I did all the ministry opportunities, all the good, all the trips, did every good that people asked me to do that came my way, worked hard at doing to do everything my parents wished of me to keep the peace. I was ABSOLUTELY pooped by the time Sam and I got married. Our honeymoon was the most miserable trip I think we'll ever have and we can both testify to that! lol The emotional exhaustion and over the 1st year of our marriage the realization of what my relationship with God was founded on was a painful punch. But one still has the know how to make it appear all fine and dandy. So great and wonderful. On the outside it looks so great. But isn't it how that is with everyone. Just FEW will admit to their "normalness". Their human failings and their imperfections.

AND I'm getting it! It's a security for people! If they have the rules, boundaries and standards they think they are safer from the whiles of the devil, from the "ways of the world". Somehow instead of solely focusing on God and focusing on pleasing and on doing as MUCH as possible to look as opposite as EVERYTHING "in the world" is that we are somehow godly. That somehow that makes us closer to God. When in reality we're nowhere near him.

I grew up with the line pounded in my head " You're gonna make us look bad! Do you realize how that would make us look if people knew!" and it has haunted me over into my adult life! I am so over it! It isn't about reputation it is about character! It isn't about what people think of you or your kids it is about what God thinks! Now that I have my own kids, I'm realizing how depressingly unreal it is for a parent to put that on your kids because of the fear of man, the people pleasing, the God pleasing! It is impossible! Who do we think we are as humans to put that on anyone else!

We're all in pain somewhere whether we admit to it or not. Whether we are blind to it or not! It IS THERE! We are not and never will be perfect and striving for perfection is so not a reflection of God! We're going to come off even more hypocritical to others! If we never deal with the pain we'll NEVER have love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control! Lets take a GOOD look at our religious legalism! ARE the fruit of the spirits really there? Are we truly loving and kind to everyone in our path? Are we really gentle, good and forbearing with our kids? Do we have self control in our normal every day life? Because what I see in all us with the laws and "rule book" is, unkindness towards others. Pointing fingers and anger. There is nothing remotely peaceable between each other as a body in Christ. There is manipulation and fear of man.

And...I really want out. I know that the last 4 years on the road to really finding out who I am, and then what our marriage is what our family SHOULD be is FAR from over. I realize that the way to healing is years away. There are still so many walls up in my heart and if the mortar between the bricks get chipped at I loose it. I can't handle even going there. There are years of my life I can't even remember. It's like I didn't have a childhood sometimes and I know it is because I have blocked and I won't go there. Sam and I's relationship before marriage is the same way. I saw a quote that rang true for me and it said "Sometimes what small amount of good there is is so clouded and hiding in all the bad that you can't even find it to hang onto. And the bad is too big to just throw out."

Exactly.

I know God's work on me is great, is painful, is healing...is good. I KNOW that my heart's cry out is real. It isn't just drama, my personality...and whatever else I was told growing up or even now. I can't shut-up. I WANT TO BE FREE! And if it takes me the rest of my life JUST to get there, just to have that balanced love relationship with God, than so be it! Because when it comes to standing before God WHAT REALLY MATTERS to Him! He doesn't want me killing myself trying to please Him and every religious person on this earth. He just wants MY HEART and I KNOW he doesn't care that it may be the nastiest, broken up, disturbed thing cause after He takes over each lil' piece of it one at a time and when He is done with it....

...I can't even imagine!

Father's Day!

2011-06-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

Instead of Jesus

2011-06-17T16:37:00.000-05:00

These notes are sermon notes from a friend's Xanga post.
I can not tell you how strongly this is to me. How deeply ingrained in my own heart this is. How touchy and tearful this whole subject can be for me at times. The pain that comes up with it. The anger and the fight to avoid being a religious Christian at all cost. Even when it means more attack. Because you get attacked then from Christians as well.

The passage we were going through was in Phil. 3.

"There is nothing you can add to what Jesus did on the cross. . ."

"Put NO confidence in the flesh." -- in otherwords, I can put no confidence in what I DO.

Religious people like to sell us "add ons" to the cross of Christ - to "bling-a-fy" if you will, to add to the gospel message a list of things to do for God to earn His pleasure. It's the mingling of grace with law to put our faith in works instead of relying completely on what Christ has done.

"We get tired of talking about Jesus. . . so we talk about religious religion."

This really rang true to me. Ya know, talking about Jesus just doesn't sell much with most people looking for something to do to make their consciences feel good about being christian. Now if you write/talk about all the things a christian "should do" then you get lots to jump on the band wagon and follow.

But just talk about Jesus?

As a child of God we should never recover from what HE has done for us, never tire of just talking of Him. We are to glory in Christ alone - not that which we can do in our flesh.

We depart from the simplicity and pure devotion to Christ and replace it with pride in ourselves and what we can do for God. But the truth is:

Jesus + anything = off target.

A sign we've strayed from pure devotion to Christ?
Comparison with others. Religious people like to compare themselves to others - they love lists and check lists and how to's in christianity. What is having just religious religion instead of relationship with Christ? It's one sinner comparing themselves to another sinner. That's religious religion.

We when we stand before God He isn't going to ask us for our religious resume.

We might say, "But I went to the right church, homeschooled my kids, wore the right dresses, listened only to the right music, didn't do tv and movies, I went on all the mission trips and signed up for prayer meetings, I went to homeschooling conferences and learned all the how-to's and not-do's, I had endless amount of children, we only hung out with like-minded people, didn't work outside the home, did courtship, I HELD THE STANDARD HIGH!"

And He will say, "Depart from me, I never knew you. . ."

And we might reply, "But SOMEONE had to hold the standard high, right? When no one did, I was!"

And He will say, "The highest standard is love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and LOVE ONE ANOTHER. You missed relationship with Me and with others for the sake of your religious religion. You compared your good works to others, your high standards to what others did or didn't do, you did not hold MY standard high, you made up your own and your pride is in holding your man-made standards high."

Our religious resumes are rubbish to God. If we are looking to anything but Christ for our redemption and salvation it is but trash. We come with nothing to offer to God - no confidence in the flesh - all confidence in what He has done for us.

In Phil. 3 Paul says to look out for those who add to the simplicity of the gospel - he calls them "dogs, evildoers. . ." It is easy to get swept away by these folks who add to the gospel (they don't seem like dogs and evildoers often times) - it is easy for us to stray from pure devotion to God and get caught up putting confidence in our flesh.

We are to glory in Christ Jesus alone. If we are proud in "holding the standard high" -- then we have missed the mark, we are off target. We have our religious religion. . . but are bored with just Jesus.

"...Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. . . I count all things as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through FAITH IN CHRIST, the righteousness of God that depends on faith -- that I may know Him and the POWER OF HIS RESURRECTION. . ." Phil. 3:7-11

And there are the high standard holders who are yelling at me now, "But you just can't throw out works and high standards!"

No, but you can count them as rubbish before God and before others.

When we count everything as loss and only want to know Christ Jesus our Lord, believing everything depends on what He has done and not what we do - our hearts are transformed by His love and power. We don't obtain perfection (as Phil 3:12 says) but we PRESS ON in being His because He has made us His own.

Some take this "pressing on" and "reaching the goal" to mean adding this and that in their lifestyle to attain good standing with God.

But this is not the case. Instead it is a pressing on in love for the simplicity of the gospel. We press on to live His high standard: that of loving God and loving others. These two things drive us, move us, motivate us, and control our lives and what we do and say.

If one is truly pressing on in their relationship with Christ it is all about loving God and loving others. This eliminates pride, comparison, self-righteousness, rejection, isolation from those who don't do as we do, control, confidence in the flesh, and focusing on our own outward actions and that of others.

So what is truly holding the standard high and having a relationship with God instead of just religious religion?

It is seeing all that I do as rubbish, running from and forsaking religious religion, and CLINGING TO CHRIST, THE AUTHOR AND FINISHER OF MY FAITH.

Huskey Family

2011-06-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

An extremely hot day; A trooper of a family trumping around dripping sweat with a thoroughly tired little girl after picture number 2! :D A fun, never a dull moment family photo session! It was great to see them all again after so many years! I was thrilled with the oldest, Leaha asked me to do their family photos for their parents for Mother's/Father's Day gift! Thank ya guys for letting me be your photographer! :D

Random Post - Random Me - Random Day

2011-05-27T19:30:00.001-05:00

Today was one of those days. One of those, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted days. One of those I'm ready to be done and move on kinda days. At least that is how it started out. One of those days when you wake up just feeling...well...horrible. I was still exhausted from staying up WAY to late again last night working to finish a photo session and so the lake of sleep + extreme soreness from my hour workout that afternoon + 2 toddlers jabbering loudly and excitedly next to the bed for breakfast at a way to early hour for me just made it hard to start the day. Limping and fumbling around blind as a bat without my contacts in getting the boys breakfast and giving the clock a stare down I forced myself to wake up and fight the emotions and turmoil already in my brain that I wasn't sure where they were coming from. My brain made a giant mental list in my head of the things I needed or wanted to finish today and I felt like crawling back into bed!
The weekend starting tomorrow, another photo session already in the afternoon, a supposed-to-be-fun-and-relaxing memorial celebration at my fam's the rest of the weekend...and all the things on my mind were begging for just one more day before the weekend started. That NEVER happens! I'm usually BEGGING for the weekend to come and to last just a little longer, please!

On top of all the things I needed to finish up in my "business world" I walked into a kitchen sink full of dishes, and a laundry room, that FOR ME anyway, made my shoulders slump. :) Deep breaths, prioritizing and then doing what I do best and that is kick butt when there is much to do! :D Thank the Lord for helping me fight the gloom today and whipping most of my list before lunchtime! The boys had fun "helping" with some of 4 loads of laundry, dishes were done in one episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse :), and the rest of my business to-dos were completely before the boys were ready to come back inside from playtime outside! It felt AMAZING to take a breather during the boys nap and "sit" for a tad! :D (For a tad because I got distracted like usual and was up again pretty fast!) The rest of my to-dos could wait a hour or 2! :D

I found some new recipes in my recent Taste Of Home that I can't wait to try! Which reminded me I need to find a super cheap grill ASAP before summer really hits. (Anyone reading this have one let me know! :D) Ours is the wobbliest, tiniest, rustiest, holes in it, pathetic grill of a thing you will ever find! :) Craigslist here I come, which made me remember I needed to repost some items on there again...I never stay with one thing for long, trust me! :D

This week I found a new website I have fallen in love with browsing through! It is a website similar to Etsy but is it much more cool in the fact that the clothing and accessories are a little more high end and edgy than the sometimes kitschy pieces found on Etsy and I'm attracted to it because it is more like a clothing store where as Etsy is just more of...everything! You can click on the photos below to go to the website! :D

These are some of my favorite looks I found today anyways! All I want is to own these to do a FAB fashion shoot with! :D I'm absolutely in LOVE with the middle top one and the bottom right one! I get GREAT sewing inspiration on here for imaginative future sewing projects and vintage dress reconstructing I am SO looking forward to doing some more of as soon as things start slowing down for summer in a week or two!

AND...something to make me laugh hard and want to purchase SO BADLY but I constrained myself... :D LOL :D If you want a good photographer laugh you gotta check out http://youarenotaphotographer.com/ I could not stop laughing as I started skimming through and knowing I even had some for sure older photos that could TOTALLY be listed there, I'm sure! :D It helps to relieve frustration, I have LOTS of at times, to just laugh at the insanity in this crazy art/profession/competitive/"big mouthing"/VERY watched world of photography. It's a tough "world" and I have found out FAST you do have realize not everyone is going to like your work just like not everyone in this world is gonna like you and just like everything else in this world can't make EVERYONE happy! It is hard to just relish, learn and have fun. There is a lot to distract negatively!

Everyone have a great Memorial weekend! :P *hearts*

Candace and John - {4-30-2011}

2011-05-27T11:42:00.017-05:00

The sailor and his girl said "I Do"! :) Candace was a sparkling beauty for her "Cinderella" wedding! It was a perfect day for the happy couple and I am so excited for their life they've begun together and that I got the honor to capture the start of it! :D Bestest of wishes sent their way again as they spend their "Happily Ever After" together through all the ups and downs this life brings!

- Something special to note from their day: Yellow ribbon tied to Bride's bouquet is in honor of U.S. Marine L Cpl. Chris Meadows, brother of the Bride, currently deployed to Afghanistan.

- Florist: House Of Flowers

www.houseofflowersok.com

A Beautiful Windy Wedding!

2011-04-29T14:58:00.000-05:00

Kate was a breathtakingly beautiful bride and Jeff is a lucky guy to be getting such a sweet gal! In my opinion, they are a perfectly super cute couple! I beyond enjoyed shooting their beautiful wedding day. When the day started it was perfect weather out but as the day went on the wind started picking up and by the time we were ready to go outside we had 30 mph winds! When that happens you don't have any choice but to have fun and work with it and I am overjoyed with their photos! They had a beautiful lil' outdoor wedding at The Vine and The Fig Tree Cafe. I could have literally spent hours with the bride and groom taking photos of them if we had had the time! They were easy-going and so much fun to photograph! Best of wishes to Kate and Jeff and their life together with their handsome, adorable lil' boy! :D

On A Rainy Wet Day

2011-04-29T09:38:00.000-05:00

We rescheduled their session 3 times before we finally just decided to "go for it". That morning it was raining and a little cold and windy. By the afternoon, though still completely cloudy, there was no rain and Heather decided she didn't want to wait any longer and they would just endure the wet feet and backsides, try and stay out of the mud and yet still do the best we could getting some "springy" feeling photos like she was wanting. :) I was completely happy with that choice since, as most know, cloudy days are THE BEST for taking photos! So minus the mud and wet I could take them pretty much anywhere I wanted and the light was perfect! Megan was a great little trooper up until the end when I took them out into an open field. The wind had picked back up and with no shelter from any trees it got chilly out. I adored her toddler attitude portrayed through her many faces and she wanted to go where she wanted to go, and do what she wanted to do, not what the crazy camera lady wanted her to go or do! :D I had a blast, but of course, ya know, I am used to living, chasing and taking pictures of two toddlers so... :D

Hubby B-day Bash!

2011-04-20T14:09:00.006-05:00

A surprise trip out to eat and then to race cars with our sister and brother-in-law, to silly string in the face when he got home, then he ate too much food so he couldn't even eat dessert, he got the gift he was hoping for and imagining getting (so he said) ... it was a fun party night for the perfect Superman!!! :D

Some of his favorite foods become his "hero super foods"! lol

My Wed.. morning love note before my Superman "flew" off to work!
Oh do I ever love this man of mine! :D Yep I'm going all gushy and if you don't like it don't read! :P

The Pain Deep Within...

2011-04-12T15:51:00.000-05:00

Like Eve after she tasted the forbidden fruit, we woman hide. We hide behind out makeup. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawals. We hide out truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe. We act in self-protective ways and refuse to offer what we truly see, believe and know. We will not risk rejection or looking like a fool. We have spoken in the past and been met with blank stares and mocking guffaws. We will not do it again. We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think And so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to God with our broken and desperate hearts, and it has never occurred to us that in all our hiding, something precious is also lost - something the world needs from us so very, very much.

The wounds that we received as young girls did not come alone. They brought messages with them - messages that struck at the core of our hearts, right in the place of our questions, "Are we beautiful, are we wanted?" Our wounds strike at the core of our femininity. The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result. As children, we didn't have the faculties to process and sort through what was happening to us. Our parents were godlike. We believed them to be right. If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us, the problem was with us. We would wish things upon ourselves like wishing we had never been born. We weren't wanted. Our personalities weren't wanted. Our life was an annoyance.

As a result of the wounds we receive growing up, we come to believe that some part of us, maybe every part of us is marred. Shame enters in and makes its crippling home deep within our hearts. Shame is what makes us look away, avoid eye contact with strangers and friends, Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that is someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, no, believe, that we do not measure up. Not to the world's standards, the church's standards, or our own.

We know we are not all that we long to be, all the God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what HE thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate., If we were not deemed worthy of love as children it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. Shame says we are unworthy, broken and beyond repair. Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wants or would be excepted. We refuse to being the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of fear of being rejected.

Shame makes us feel very uncomfortable with out beauty. Very sensitive to others remarks or comments. Woman are beautiful, every one of us. It is one of the glorious ways that we bear the image of God. But few of us believe we are beautiful, and fewer still are comfortable with it. We either think we don't have any beautiful or we we do that it's dangerous and bad. So we hide our beauty behind extra weight or layers of unnecessary makeup, or we just don't take care of ourselves at all and wear whatever happens to be pulled from the dresser drawer that day or is easiest and quickest available to you. Or we neutralize our beauty by putting up protective, defense walls that warn others to keep their distance.

As women we tend to feel that "it must be me." That's the effect of our early wounds. "Something is fundamentally wrong with me." Why are we working so hard to improve ourselves? Or why do we keep so busy that the issues of our hearts never have to come to the surface? We also feel that we are essentially alone. And that somehow the two are related., We believe we are alone because we are not the women we should be. We don't feel irreplaceable so we try to make ourselves useful. We don't believe we are beautiful so we work hard to be outwardly beautiful or we "let ourselves go" and hide behind a persona that has no allure. We try so hard and in so many ways, to protect our hearts from further pain.

Part of the reason women are so tired is because we are spending so much energy trying to "keep it together". So much energy devoted to suppressing the pain and keeping a good appearance. "I'm gonna harden my heart. I'm gonna swallow my tears" A terrible, costly way to live your life. Part of this is driven by fear that the pain will overwhelm us. That we will be consumed by our sorrow. It's and understandable fear, but it is no more true that the fear we had of the dark as a child. Grief is good. Grief helps heal our broken hearts. Grief is a form of validation. Its says the wound matters. It mattered. You mattered. Even if everyone always told you to get over it and it wasn't a big deal and stop being such a baby. That's NOT the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there. The tears of a little girl who is lost and frightening. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and emotionally abused and has no place to turn. The tears of a woman who's life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams. Let the tears come.

"Father, I need your love. Come to the core of my heart. Come and bring your love for me. Help me to know you for who you really are - not as I see my earthly father. Reveal yourself to me. Revel your love for me. Tell me what I mean to you. Come and father me."

We are the Bride of Christ... and the Bride of Christ is a warring bride. Most often the hardest person to fight for is ..... yourself. But we must. Your heart is needed, You much be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others. Without you much will be lost. Is is time to take a stand and to stand firm. We are at war. You are needed.

Jesus is extending his hand. He is inviting you to dance with Him. He asks, "May I have this dance...every day of your life? I am King...I will lead." His gaze is fixed on you. He is captivated by your beauty, He is standing. He will lead. He waits for your response.

Excerpts from the book "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge

She said "Yes!"

2011-04-07T22:53:00.001-05:00

I got to have a fun early morning session in Bricktown in Oklahoma City with Candace and John. John proposed to Candace on the Devon bridge while feeding the ducks he popped out the ring box instead of the bread! :D They wanted to "reenact" the moment and the place where he asked her to be his wife to have the memories in photo!

A Sailor & His Girl!

2011-04-04T11:05:00.000-05:00

An adorable couple, fun to be around, and super easy to photograph! It was a PERFECT photo shoot! A little cold and windy but otherwise I couldn't have ask for a more perfect couple of hours of fun! I am way beyond SO looking forward to their wedding in a couple of weeks!!! :D

8. Trashin' to Fashion

2011-03-31T23:42:00.000-05:00

The inspiration for this summery, simple, yet playful dress came from a picture I saw online of Victoria Beckham wearing this ADORABLE dress! I LOVE it! :D So I TRIED to copycat the pattern to flatter me with a high waist instead of a drop waist and overlooked the fact she is nice and tan, again I notice quite the opposite of me at this time! :D

An old granny :), 1980's (I think) :D size I don't know what, $2 thrift store find was my landscape to work with! LOL Chop, chop, chop, sew, crop, sew! A cute lil' summery dress! :D

Newspaper Print Nails!

2011-03-29T15:24:00.000-05:00

I am dying to try this!!! I am one who gets quickly annoyed with painted nails when I do them myself. I NEVER can keep them looking nice for more than a couple hours, no matter how hard I try or what nail polish I use, and that is being super careful and conscience of every move my hands and fingers make! But these....they are just WAY COOL and I have never seen anything like them before! I'm in crazy LOVE with them! :D

1. You'll need scissors, a nail polish color pale, with a base coat, a newspaper, alcohol (such as vodka or other) and a top coat.
2. Varnish your nails by applying a base coat and two coats of varnish.

3. Put alcohol in a glass.

4. Cut small pieces of newspaper large enough to cover your nails.

5. When your nails are dry, soak them in alcohol.

6. Cover your nails with small pieces of newspaper.

7. Remove small pieces of newsprint slowly.

8. Let dry and apply a layer of top coat.

A Slice Of Life!

2011-03-28T10:17:00.001-05:00

I've never seen two more happier boys than when Mommy bought them their Buzz's! Their faces lit up, wide eyed and big mouthed and I swear the people 5 isles over heard their excited exclamations of "BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!!" and the jumping up and down in the cart! :D lol Then one of the first things Conner did after we got buzz outa his box at home was look at the bottom of his foot and point with a confused look and gibber jabber! I have it on video tape to PROVE that happened! lol So of course on went their names on the bottom of the foot! :D Total cuteness what can I say!

A Sailor's Kiss!

2011-03-27T18:53:00.002-05:00

Everybody knows well the famous 1945 photo of the "Sailor's Kiss" and of COURSE when I found out that Candace and John wanted some photos with him in his dress uniform first thing that popped into my head was the classic black and white photo! I was even more excited when she told me that was exactly what she had in mind as well!

Here are a couple of my favorites (my "modern day" take on the photo but in a small town environment not Times Square unfortunately) alongside the "original inspiration"! :D

Many more photos from this session soon to come!

*on left* 1945 WWII Sailor's Kiss in Times Square, New York

Toddler Tie T-Shirts!

2011-03-27T17:33:00.000-05:00

I have always thought that this was an adorable idea and I love some of the ones I have seen particularly some of the ones on Etsy. But, of course ya know me! I am not about to pay someone $20.00 plus shipping for something I can do myself with a cheap $3.00 t-shirt and a small piece of fabric!!! :D I wanted to experiment first with the "cheap stuff" before I did one I REALLY loved! I made my own tie pattern the size and shape I thought looked good and used the 'stretch zigzag' stitch (the one that looks somewhat like a bunch of lined up "L's" turned on their sides. lol) to top stitch them on! I"ve decided that the boys and their cousin, Ethan, needs matching ones or coordinating ones for Easter! :D

Sarah & Robert's Wedding - 3.11.2011

2011-03-25T18:16:00.000-05:00

It was a perfect springlike day for an outdoor wedding minus the obnoxious windy conditions. Sarah was a trooper with her gorgeous long hair and veil determined to fly off her head. :) It was a long awaited day for Robert and Sarah both though and when it came down too it I think they really could care less what it was like outside since their day had finally arrived for them! Thank you guys for letting me capture memories of your special day and I know your love and your life together will be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to either one of you! :D