No Guidebook

They will by 3 in just 4 days!!!

All I want for my boys for them to be able to live a life full of adventure and joy. To be able to grow up wild at heart in this world of "nice guys". To have a relationship with God not a religion. To not be held back by judgement, legalism and pointing fingers. Being a mom is terrifying just like much of everything else in life. There is no book on what to do to get certain results. Those of misguided lies. No kid is the same. No mother is the same. No parent is the same. There is no formula to anything in life, let alone to raising kids. My kids were not giving to me to make me happy, please me, make me look good, live by my standards of what I think my kids should be or do. There is no Mom out there to follow and even the most godliest, I've got-it-together looking of woman are fare from perfect in their mothering. We live in a fallen world. There is no parenting Bible and I already know if I follow some man made guidebook I will fall even harder on my face. Who has a clue what they are doing? I mean really? I know I certainly don't!

These wonderful boys I have been given that look to me for love, for help, for direction. They are going to get hurt no matter what. I can not protect them from living and I shouldn't. Life is not about rules, regulations and pleasing. It is about trust, faith and a relationship with God. The path of trusting God leads opposite the path to pleasing God. Not to live on this earth doing whatever I can to try and make God happy and every other Christian around me happy. Not to live following any man that claims to have the steps, answers or solutions to life because they don't. Only God does and his answers and solutions are different for every one of us.

Being a mom is nothing you can prep for like a test. You can't prepare for anything such in life and GOD knows exactly when you are ready for what! You can't study and then one day be ready with all the answers. It's literally living and learning day to day with the one of a kind kids that you have been given! That is how we grow! Learning to notice and appriciate the huge difference in Caiden and Conner and their personalities and loving them for who they are and how they are made. Understanding why they respond and act the ways they do in different situations. Heavens, DARE NOT comparing them to each other or others! One of the highest of my "don't you dares" is that I would NEVER, EVER trample on their dreams and bright eyes! That I will not break their spirits and wills with my demands, anger or "rule". That I will not use religion and manipulation to tell my child, "no". How do parents ever expect respect and obedience from their kids when they treat them thus.

Which leads me to think of something else I have been mulling over all week. That word respect. It hit me like a ton of bricks this week the fact that I really haven't ever had a clue what that word means. I cried over that word a couple times this week or more than circumstances of my past that surround this word. I was never taught...shown...growing up what respect was. I was never treated with respect and I never saw a close example of respect to others. I gave complying. I gave fear. I gave broken will...but never respect. It was "given" when it was demanded to be given. "Children" were just expected to respect their parents. It's just demanded of them. That is JUST that. They should obey, no questions, just obey, honor and respect. No matter the age if you were under their roof don't dare speak of anything that would go against any standard they have laid out. How can I expect my kids to respect me if I raise them to fear me. To never ask questions. To never dare go against or even try and go against what we have set. To never know the whys and whats. Basically just teaching them you do this and this and this you make us happy and God happy and THAT is a relationship. How can my kids truly respect me if I have not won their hearts? If I do not listen, love, understand. How can my kids ever respect an lashful, demanding parent who never listen to their heart cries or tries to live life with them; grow with them; work through the pain and hurts of life with them? One who breaks their will and leaves them wondering things like, "why was I born?" "am I good enough?" "do I have what it takes?" "am I captivating?".

I want to earn my kids respect by the way I live my life daily. By how I discipline, love, guide; really honestly just care about them, their hearts and who THEY are individually. I just want my kids HEARTS and everything else follows!