I WILL WIN this battle!

"Running away from any problem only increases the distance from the solution..."

This last week and a half has got to have been THE toughest and most emotionally exhausting than any others I can think of in our marriage. If you want to talk about finally running dry, throwing up your hands, declaring you can't be strong anymore, you're done living in control and fear, then right now I fit perfectly into that category. God has torn down a wall inside me I never thought would come down. I thought that the fear, control, pain, hurt, anger, hatred and so much more that was holding up this wall would never be torn apart. I thought this terrible thing that happened to me that I carried around in secret would be impossible to bring up. I was wrong. I wasn't sure exactly what caused it to finally come crashing to the ground but after finding our from some dear friends and some family members that they had been praying for me for the last couple of  months sensing their was so much more wrong that what I was saying, I'm realizing how God lines everything up perfectly and has a timing for everything. Even for the most painful CRAP we try to forget and numb away.

Being taught to stuff, to run away, to put on a mask and make myself pretend I'm fine day after day has made me feel like I have to start at the beginning of everything I thought was truth. Everything I believed. Being taught that my happiness didnn't matter and twas even selfish to think about such things as taking care of myself. Having been told how dare I cry and think my life was so tough or my problems were hard when there was a world full of people who had it SO much worse that I. How dare I hang things over others heads, over my parents heads. Get over it and more on. Let the past go. On and on and on. Never dealing with anything. Couping. Numbing. Putting on that mask.Keeping a perfect "godly appearance" we were "supposed to have" or expected to have. Being happy plastic people. Because somehow Christians are supposed to have no problems and that goodie-two-shoe mentality takes over.  PRIDE rules you. If everyone sees you as so together than you somehow are. Keep it all hidden. Put on that smile. How dare you "complain".

It's like walking around with chains wrapped around your body. I had no idea this "secret" that happened to me was so effecting my life. EVERYTHING in my life. My body physically, my emotions, my outlook on life, how I not only viewed myself but everyone else around me and ESPECIALLY how it effected my relationship with God and me as a wife and a mom. Anger, impatience, mood swings, depression, lack of energy and motivation, no self esteem. Even things like uncontrollable acne, back trouble that has caused endless chiropractic visits, EXTREMELY painful menstrual, headaches, nightmares and crazy panic attacks that would take over at certain times or circumstances are all being tired back to this issue. AND oh my gosh I could NOT believe that after this burden came off MY shoulders how drastically my life seem to immediately change that very day. In less than 10 days, I feel like I'm being reborn inside or something. It's like a rediscover of yourself and who you are and who you were meant to be. I feel like Sam and I are back at the beginning and are dating as boyfriend and girlfriend. I have begun to realize that how can I truly love my husband and my kids if I don't truly love myself. That never sunk in and hit me before. I want so BADLY to make them feel like a King and like Princes but how can I if I don't see myself as Queen or Princess! How can I love them like God loves me if I don't believe or understand the love He has for me. Because I compare is love with the love of earthly beings. And  my heart wants nothing to do with that so called "love".

It makes me so angry this person I have let hold me in bondage. The hatred I have that I cannot even really explain. The pain, the grief, the shame I've carried around for the past 6 years has taken its toll on my life and how I didn't even realize it. I was JUST fine. I numbed away the pain, I tried to believe the lies I was told. I had no IDEA the wall that was in our marriage, that was between me and my boys, and even that was between our trusted close friends.

Lets just say even thought I have a HUGE, AMAZING support group online, a handful of trusted, wonderful friends close by, a couple family members knowing and praying for me/us and after my first counseling session this week, I am still terrified to the core of what is happening and my heart hurts with almost every breath I take. I know this journey I have just started is going to be long and painful and parts of it will never end. It's something a woman must live with and learn how to face the reality of the rest of her life. All I know is, through the daily tears I've been facing, dragging myself out of bed every day knowing life has to keep going, and just trying to focus on getting through the next hour of right now, that I can feel God's hands holding me up. Even as the tears roll down my face even as I am typing I can feel him whispering it's going to be okay and I am never going to let you go. The road is going to be hard but you are going to win this battle and you are going to be stronger and more beautiful from it if you trust me. It's not your fault, you are precious and beautiful to me and I will never stop thinking that of you. You are worthy. You are perfect. You ARE enough. You don't have to do anything to prove yourself to me. You don't have to earn my love or my respect. You can tell me your heart and your dreams and I will never shut you down. We can talk about anything and I will listen and never judge you, criticize you, or trample on your heart or your feelings. I am NOT like who you have known or know on this earth. I am NO fallen human being. I am your REAL father and my love and my care is like no other you have or ever will know. I am so much more than what you have been taught about me and ALL I want with you is a relationship. You are my love. My daughter. My princess; and I find you captivating in every way.

And I finally can say, my heart knows! I know and I actually am starting to believe it for the first time in my life.

"...This is where the healing begins. Where you come to where you're broken within the light meets the dark."




Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay


How can I go on pretending that there's nothing wrong.
Life has brought me to my knees.
This mask I hide behind is killing me there's nothing left.
Is there anyone who feels like me...

...could you get me out alive.
I'm trying to hold on but I've lost the will to fight.
Will you rescue me.
Take me far away.
From this shattered life.