"Sometimes we can see it; realize it; see the burning that leaves us nearly lifeless, with hardened skin and eyes, with toughened scars. Sometimes we feel it as our heart aches with the weariness of trying to measure up but knowing it's never good enough. Or from wondering why we struggle to hear God and understand His love and grace, while secretly wondering if He's worth following sometimes because the burdens seem too great.
Some of us try to keep the wounds hidden. We would never admit to any pain left from the burning. We try to "smooth" it over and hide from the pain that affects every aspect of our daily life. We do whatever it takes to block out any conflict because of the scars we have that are left over from conflict. Our relationships begin to run shallow as we walk around on eggshells in fear and misery. Instead of addressing the wounds, letting God heal the scars we try to patch them up with our own little first aid kits and our "health", our strength, diminishes in a flash.
All I can think of is how blessed I am to have the husband I have. I can't even find a word good enough to describe blessed. Amazingly...out of this world...completely undeserving...luckiest girl alive...there simply isn't one. I look at the scars marking up my heart and I look around and feel ashamed for not letting God use them to be something beautiful. I know there are so many others that have gone through the fire and others that still are. I can not say I am out of some of these fires myself but I am blessed enough to have another human who cares about me more than any other soul in the entire world, right there beside me, trying to understand, begging me to lean on him, willing me to let him help me with my overwhelming festering cuts. Things I don't even yet understand that are going on in the depths of my heart, putting up walls of fear and protection against anyone around me I might feel attacked by. I take everything around me way to personally like everyone is always pointing a finger at me weather they are or aren't. I hurt my husband, who I know without a doubt will always be there for me "till' death do us part", by my actions to guard against even him when all he tends to do is love me, comfort me, and be strength beside me.
I hurt for all you who hurt because I know what hurting feels like. I'm ashamed at those times I think I have it so bad and it feels like I've hit rock bottom in the middle of my day. I hate it when I get that overwhelming depressing feeling of hopelessness that leaves me giving up, closing up and hiding out from everyone even my husband. I know that I have it good and I get caught up in myself.
I'm learning what "opening up" really means. What cleansing and healing really means. I'm learning it isn't easy and it can sometimes, more often than not, be even more painful than the actual wound itself. That is why it is so easy to just "live with it" and try to ignore it. Cause it hurts. Bad. We don't want to deal with anything. We just want it to go away, of course. So we let the wound suck the life from us until we are lifeless instead of letting God make us more lively that we've ever been in life! I'm learning trust between God and I and between Sam and I. Trust He wants only beauty in my life and He will come through for me. Trust that out of the pain comes the roses amongst the thorns. Let go. Live free. TRUST.
God's grace is sufficient for me. Me. ME.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord that you brought me the man I needed without me even really fully realizing it!
God really does write the best love stories!!!
