Today Sam and I were whining over how badly we wish we could completely start over from the beginning with our relationship. All the way back to where we were courting. Wishing that we had not let so many people control our relationship. There are so many things people blue booked as the way to do things and we wish we had not let others dictate our relationship so much. Yes you have to stay under authority and heed others wisdom and advice but I think people saw us as so young they thought we would need to be protected and "watched over" more than if we were "older". The pain it caused is still seared in ugly and hurtful scars on us and on our relationship and it is SO hard to let those be turned into something beautiful by God. It is so hard not to nurse those scars yourself and cry tears of anger, bitterness and pity on them.
Sam and I are having a REALLY rough time this past week over some different things that have finally been re-opened up between us in our relationship and it is despairing to know that our relationship is not what it could be because of things that happened before we were even engaged! The pressure, the hurtful words, the judgmental directions, the chains of restriction. We want so badly to be able to get to know one another all over again. Get to spend more time with each other and to have had more dates together. To have not worried about what so-and-so was thinking because we were holding hands for heaven's sake or because we were sitting in a room alone having a deep conversation for once. To have been able to open up our feelings more and not try to block the attraction that was told not to blossom yet. When we look back on the first few months of our marriage and all the unnecessary things we had to work through because of OTHERS it is quite discouraging and hurtful and the fact that we are STILL working through some hurts even more!
I think Sam has had the harder time of things. Not having a Dad to have guided him I think was extremely hard. He had no clue what he was doing and the advice he was getting he sees know was not only hurtful but too protective and unknowingly damaging to his leadership and his strength as a man. You would think that a year of being engaged would be good for a couple. We are here to say NOT NECESSARILY! I have had SO many people tell me that they admire us and that they are going to have their children have a long engagement etc....and I want to SCREAM NO! Don't you dare! It most certainly is NOT for everyone! That year of engagement was the hardest and most unnecessary thing that we ever did and yes that is one thing we would change for sure. True we did learn from it and such but we still wonder if that was what the Lord's first choice for us was. We did that mainly out of consideration for some others and some things that were happening that year and Sam was told he wasn't ready and of course he was so baffled and in love he took that advice because HE didn't know what to do and was kinda at the point where he felt like he had to follow everyone else's "wisdom". Maybe it all boils down to, we should have taken EVERYTHING to the Lord and went through Him and let Him work in peoples hearts more than we did. Instead of stewing and boiling over it letting Him do that. Instead of giving up and just walking where we were told we should have let it all go through Him and walked where we felt like He was telling us too and let Him do the heart changing!
We have so many scars of others judging and the pressure of all eyes on you can really wear you down! I TRULY believe that Satan trains battalions of demons to whisper one question in our ears: "What are people thinking of you." ....and OH MY GOSH how that one question can start you on a twister of a downhill road that lands you in discouragement, depression, feeling like you are a bad person, and the desire to disappear entirely.
I truly do not understand these people that absolutely blantly overlook what God is doing in and through someones life and the glory He is receiving and says, " I don't think that is what you are supposed to do. That isn't what I think God says you should do. What you are doing is below our standards and we are going to confront you on that. I do not think that is a good example and that isn't at all what I thought you would do. We are going to have to leave if you do that or wear that or listen to that or go there or see that or like this!" AHHHHH!
Legalism spells M-I-S-E-R-Y
Why do we do it to others? Why do we cause them pain and sorrow when we should be looking in the mirror instead? I just don't understand it! I will never understand it! I simply can not WAIT until we get to heaven and be put to shame by all the things we judged others for and all the things we thought we were right about and they were wrong about! Ministries are judged even though the Lord is using them in hugely mighty ways, relationships are judged even though God is the center of them and He is guiding that relationship, teenagers are judges despite the fact God just used their youth group to bring people to salvation in Him....I could go on and on but what is the point! We all know it is true....we all know what we judge and that it is wrong.
WE know...what do we do about it?
Do we choose to be brothers and sisters despite our differences? Or is there a wall up of awkwardness and an "I have to be nice to you attitude" that sends out hurt so that you might as well have simply shunned that person. It feels the same.
All I know is I have found out REALLY FAST that the people that look like they are the least to be leading an incredibly amazing God filled life and are most usually the ones who will shock you with their love and passion and close intimacy with the Lord when you stop avoiding them long enough to see Christ shining through. We should NEVER shoot down ANYONE until we have overlooked our differences to see what the Lord is doing in and through them. We will MADLY regret it if we don't. If not now...in eternity.
