I am having a really tough day today. I wish I had the capability to love everyone as Jesus loves. I've been really struggling with feelings of hate toward someone for several years now and recently over the past 1/2 year or so those feelings have gotten worse. I've tried everything one can think of to erase these feelings and see the good in this person but the hurt and disgust is so strong. I have tried praying for this person until I am blue and I have begged with tears for something to please happen to make these feelings disappear but I can't seem to break through it. I spend way to many minutes of my life in tears and in emotional pain and I am so tired of it!
I don't know why this person can make me feel so miserable inside and out about myself! How they can make me feel so unimportant, insignificant, useless and just plan awful! It is like the devil is using this person to eat me up and I HATE it!!! I hate that even when this person is mentioned my heart sages and tears want to burst out. I hate that I always feel trampled on and despised whenever they are around or when someone talks all wonderfully about them. I don't like how it can depress me and hinder my life as a wife and mother way too often than I would like it too!
My darling husband is amazing to put up with me. :) All the times I cry on his shoulder and he holds me through. How he does his best to understand what all is going on. How he longs to take it all away and how he is helpless to do so and he hates it. I know he really does care but I also know that this is effecting him too and it hurts me to see it. It hurts that because of my feelings he has some of the same feelings towards them. It hurts deep . It hurts deep that no matter what we do they will always be around.
I just wanted to ask you all to pray for me. Please! I beg you with tears in my eyes. I'm tired. I'm exhausted and I don't seem to have the strength anymore to stand up from the boulder Satan has dropped on top of me. It is so heavy and been there so long I feel like it has gotten bigger and bigger I have completely lost the will, the want, or the fight to even try to withstand it anymore. I just want to give up and so often here lately I have.
I do not like it at all that me, a new mom is going through this. Is like this. It makes me feel like a terrible mom. I know....I have many more years of that ahead of me right. lol We are all imperect humans I know.
